Chip MacGregor .com

A Fresh Look

Well, I'm now 50. Older and wiser (hopefully). Please let me offer one short rumination...

Recently I made some comments about Mike Hyatt, the Thomas Nelson decisions, and the direction of CBA. That caused a couple people to write and ask me, "Why are you down on CBA?"

My response: "I'm not. Not at all." But their questions got me to thinking some things...

First, I love Christian books. My life has been changed by books I've read -- I can point to some titles (The Ragamuffin Gospel, In the Name of Jesus, etc) and say with all honesty, "My life was never the same after having read that book." It's the ministry a book can have in the life of a person that keeps me excited about words. When I read, I learn, and that changes me. And I'm one of those ignorant types who needs to learn a lot, since I've got a lot of changing to do.

Second, I love CBA and the things associated with it -- authors, publishers, booksellers. Honest. I've been part of CBA for more than 20 years. I feel as though I know it inside and out -- both its strengths and its weaknesses. I will sometimes poke fun at the stupid stuff (Armor of God pajamas and Standing on the Promises Insoles, for example), but let's face it -- those things are funny. Still, I don't want anyone reading this blog and coming away from it thinking that I'm not supportive of great Christian books. I always want to remember the people I work with are trying to change the world for good.

Third, this is the Golden Age of Christian publishing. There have never been so many good books, done with such quality, and at such an affordable price. Some day we will all look back on this time as an incredibly rich season of Christian writing. I dare say there are more good writers, more training opportunities for those writers, and certainly more outlets for those writers (thanks to the web) than ever before. That's a wonderful fact.

Fourth, I've been remiss in talking about the GOOD part of CBA. The fine writers. The skilled editors who spend their lives just trying to locate and foster talent. The publishers who risk large quantities of money and time to produce life-changing books. The sales teams that spend hours reading the books on their lists in order to best talk about them with people.

Sure, there are things I don't like. I'd prefer a CBA bookstore to be an actual bookstore, rather than a store that sells trinkets and kitschy art. I think there's abundant evidence that Christian bookstores began their decline when they started turning their focus away from books. We live in a specialized society, and I'm one of those who believes "Christian books" is enough of a niche to do well. But...well, I've had plenty of bookstore owners say that, in fact, they can't make it on their book margins -- they need the t-shirts and necklaces to pay the bills.

So I'm trying to take a fresh look. I was really touched by the note a former colleague posted on The Writers View (a web resource for Christian authors). The individual admitted having fallen into a trap of using cynicism, ego, sweeping generalities, and over-the-top snarkiness to criticize CBA. And all that cynical crud began to have a corrosive effect on the spirit. So, despite normally being a positive, sunny type, the author admitted acting like a teenager -- using attitude and a faux sophistication to criticize and act cool as a way of impressing people. And it was stupid -- the author needed to repent and be appreciative of all the good things in life; all the good things God has wrought.

Well... I'm there. That's me to a T. I've been overly critical and snarky. I've exaggerated the facts. I even got to the point where I found myself rolling my eyes when somebody told me to "not let unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only that which is helpful for buiding others up." That's right -- I was rolling my eyes at Scripture. Yikes. (In case those words are new to you, Saint Paul wrote them in the First Century. It's pretty good advice; you've got to admit.) It seems like there was this image of me (snarky, negative, curt) that I didn't like at all. But maybe it was accurate.

That's when I realized things had gotten off track. I'm normally a positive person, and I don't know why I felt a need to act like such a freakin' know-it-all. I'm not negative -- my wife will tell you I'm the eternal optimist. I've been forgiven much, and I guess hitting 50 made me remember all the blessings God has given me, and that I need to appreciate His grace anew, and be humbled by the fact that I'm getting much better than I deserve. And stop ragging on the parts of CBA I don't like. Because there's a lot of great things happening in publishing. It's not just a matter of "speaking the truth" in this life (another thing I've had issues with), but "speaking the truth in love." So I very much appreciated reading the post from that author (as well as the honesty it took to say those things). It moved me to take some time and reflect. And make sure I change.

So this is me -- with a fresh look. Humbled over my mistakes. Sorry for my out-and-out bad choices. But ready to move forward.

And if this is sounding a bit too personal for you, here's the fact you really need to know: I love books. I love writing. I particularly like books that have the potential to change people. And while I'm not sure there are many books that can change the world, I believe very much that words can help stir small changes in the lives of individuals. And it's essential for me to believe that books change lives on an intimate level, because my own life has been changed by them.

Here's to books that make a difference.

And the winner is...

So today is my birthday -- I hit the big Five-Oh, and I'm celebrating by holding my nose and pouring over all the really bad poetry that faithful readers have sent to my 2008 Bad Poetry Contest. My friends took me to J.K. O'Donnel's Irish Pub for some inspiration, so let me offer some quick thoughts...

-Most of you really suck at this. I mean, really. You're great sports for taking part, of course, but you need to know that poetry is not in your future. Trust me on this.

-A few rose above the badness and actually had nice rhymes and good images. You were immediately disqualified. (My son Colin sent in a 28-liner that actually rhymed and offered the image of "this violent reek in my nose hair." Sorry, son, but to craft truly BAD poetry you'd have skipped the rhyme and focused more on the cat poo.)

-Why is it that limericks make us smile? And why is it that nobody can really take a limerick seriously? I mean, Shakespeare never wrote limericks, did he? ("Forsooth and anon from Nantucket...")

-When will bad poets realize that rhyming couplets get really annoying after the first two lines? Egad. Once I got by the lines like "Happy Birthday Chipperoo, You are really full of poo," I wanted to smack the author with a stick. (Take note, Paulette Harris: "Happy birthday to you, woo woo woo" is not actually a "poem" -- it's more like a "bad idea.")

-While I'm at it, when will poets realize that most haiku is awful? I mean, the faux depth is laughable. Just creating the dumbest haiku imaginable will probably put you into the Poetry Hall of Fame.

-I'd like to point out that Kelly Klepfer offered us a rap. A RAP! Kelly will be mistaken for a rapper the day after PEOPLE Magazine names me to their list of "50 Sexiest Men." White people cannot rap, Dawg, no matter how many eminem CD's you own. More on this subject later.

- I'd also like to point out that I had to disqualify my own daughter, Molly MacGregor, for bringing up Ralph Nader during an election season. See rule 48b(6). Oh, and I disqualfied Jim Rubart just on principle, for being a Washington Husky. (I'm an Oregon Duck, Jim. Wake up, man. The Huskies went 1 and 10 last year.)

-Though she didn't win, it's clear that Pam Halter has a nice way with words: "she smooshes us up and stuffs us down her baby's throats." Lovely. Truly bad. And M.L. Eqatin offered some great deep thoughts on the role of meter that, well, helped me to see you were in the spirit of things. And Tiffany Colter's Ode to Casserole, while too cutesy to win, still was awful. I salute you. One more: Ashley Weis penned something really foul: "Oh speak into my ear, what's that I hear? The owl, the owl, Mr. Rowel." Um... Mr. Rowel? He was your sophomore English teacher, and this is how you pay him back, by sticking him into a bad poetry contest? Nice work!

Okay, so it's on to the winners!

HONORABLE MENTION must go to John Robinson, who apparently was mixing his prescriptions again. Your "Monkey In a Cage" is genuinely wretched. You're a pro at this. And Janet's ode to "Little Debbie" brought a smile to my face. Wonderfully bad. A Forward's use of "Obama, Osama, Oprah, Yo Mama" was an exceptionally rotten use of rhyme.

WORST HAIKU: An easy choice. Robert Treskillard sent this bit of deepfulness:

Walk on marshmallows
Or run fingers through the mud
That is not banjo

Yeah, bay-bee! Now THAT is bad poetry!

This year's WORST IMAGE ribbon goes to Linda Shab's Snot Bubbles and Tears, which left me reaching for a kleenex...

Snot Bubbles and Tears…
Where are you?
My phone doesn’t ring
The doorbell doesn’t chime.
My lips can’t sing.
I’m a mime.
Just a mime.
But my heart cries out!
The snot bubbles ooze from the chambers.
They mix with my tears -
Enough to drown me.
But that’s probably what you want….
Right?
I thought we had something special.
But I guess I was wrong.
So wrong.
What will I do now?
I’ll sit in sorrow
Until tomorrow.
Then I’ll get up and move on
With my empty life.
If the snot bubbles and tears don’t drown me first.

Wow. As bad poetry goes, that is a winner.

THE WORST REFLECTION ON LIFE AWARD goes to Alison Morrow in a landslide. I won't share the whole thing, but any poem that offers the first few lines as "I, Yes I, I and not you, or u" reveals the true reflectivosity needed in a bad poet. You're my hero, Alison. What a deep thinker.

Our MOST CREATIVE BAD POEM was no doubt developed after a bad migraine by Lisa Samson, who wrote a love ditty that went, in part,

Or maybe if we were on a base 8
System and a quarter
Was worth twenty cents,
And we were each worth ten
Cents.
Cents! You left me and it makes
No cents!

Have you ever known anyone to craft a love poem around a base 8 numerical system? Me neither. Thank God.

This year's coveted CLEARLY ON DRUGS WHILE WRITING award goes to your favorite traditional tale-teller, Hajid Kirduz Mesechnohech, who gave us this bit o' badness:

Rejection is like the salt from lake Mizzri
(imagine here strumming and goatsounds)
rubbed on a wounded and festersome foot,
which was stung by barbed cockroach of Aldu-Haziz.
The roach snuck into your sandal the day
when you planned to set out for new lunar feast
wearing your favored red-tasseled hat

Amen to THAT, Hajid! Your poem had all the sweetness of the secretions of the she-goat as it is rubbed on the festersome foot. And Ducktales is sure to be interested in the movie rights.

Okay, SECOND RUNNER UP goes to Fred Gippler for his truly awful poem, No, It Is Not My Bagel:

NO!! IT IS NOT MY BAGEL
she sang lustily.
Why. Dreams. Memories. Fred Savage, star of Television's "The Wonder Years". A blue snow cone from May, 1977. Dreams again. Dinosaurs. Dreams one more time. Again; dreams.
Wow.
I hate your grandma--and. AND? AAAANNNDDDD!?!?!?!

And it is not my bagel, she sang, falling backwards into a future of stale tacos and unclosable milk jugs.

Let's face it, there's just something deeply stupid about that poem. Not just run-of-the-mill stupid, but in-your-face-disgrace sort of stupid. Love it! Exactly what I needed to see in bad poetry.

The FIRST RUNNER UP, who is very important, since if our champion cannot represent us on some random blogs that nobody ever visits, the FIRST RUNNER UP will be expected to take her place and pretend to be sober, goes to Darcie Gudger, for sending in these words:

Bad poetry.
Like, really, really bad.
Airplanes buzz around my cranium -
....with tootsie roll thoughts.

Poet laureates.
Say lor-ee-ates in the containium.
I mean continuum.

Free the monkeys!
Now!
I mean it!

Now THERE is a woman who understands the meaning of genuinely bad poetry. She offers bad rhymes, bad images, and even some mindless, off-topic shouts from the political left. Yes! THANK YOU for understanding what we're doing here.

And THE WINNER, THE GRAND CHAMPION, THE BAD POET LAUREATE FOR 2008, is none other than Holly MacGregor (um...she really is no relation to "Molly MacGregor," except through marriage). Stay with me before rolling your eyes. First, this is a real poem she wrote. No kidding. Granted, she was a sophomore in a Christian high school at the time, but still -- it reeks of true badness. And second, she admitted to the world that she actually wrote this -- and then she SAVED it since high school. I thought about giving her the award on bravery alone. But third, I have it on good authority that she actually once performed this in a classroom. Which leads me to reiterate a point I made earlier: White people can't rap. Especially someone like Holly, who doesn't exactly exude "street cred," since she is roughly as white as a trout's belly and is going to school to be an aesthetist (which, you've got to admit, is not your normal job for a rap artist...you down wi' dat?).  Here is her poem:

Dr. Jesus
I'm feeling ill
How about you give me
A salvation pill?

He said to me
that very day
with me in your life
you'll be A-OKAY!

I need a Christ Transfusion
Pump his blood into my veins
Take out the old
And make me new again
Give him my life
So he can take the reins!

Dr. Jesus
I feeling well
That pill you gave me
Sure is Swell!

Okay, so she's married to my son, and I love her dearly. But Holly, that rap is horrid. Bad lyrics, stupid images, lack of depth... all the qualities we look for in bad poetry, and the reason you are our BAD POETRY CHAMPION OF 2008. Your prize is a genuine copy of Does God Speak Through Cats?, a self-published book that, frankly, I don't want any more. So it's yours, you lucky girl!

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Next year I hope to have even more great prizes I don't want, so I'll give them to someone else.

The 2008 Bad Poetry Contest is still going on...

Don't wait until the last minute -- now's your chance to show off that lack of talent!

Give us your wretched rhymes, your lousy limericks, your hurtin' haiku. Every year at this time I celebrate my birthday by hosting the Bad Poetry Contest. We've got some absolute stinkers this year -- poems about monkeys in cages, acrostics about casseroles,  and "fearsome fanged sparrows from the cliffs of Aldu-Hazziz." In other words, these are bad. Terrible. Rotten to the core. Just the way we like 'em. We even had one woman reveal that the love of her life looked her in the eye and told her, "They look like big blue bowling balls." (Um... it should be noted she THOUGHT the guy was talking to her about her eyes.) And to top it off, two of my students took time away from their end-of-the-semster studies to rhyme "final" with "vinyl." Does my heart proud to know I'm discipling two young up-and-coming bad poets.

Last year's winner was "Blind Puppy on a Freeway," which offered this inspiring chorus:

Love, love, love, love

Love, love, love

Love.

I don't know. Whenever I read those words (sniff), there's just something (sniff) that touches me (snort) RIGHT HERE (honk!). [For the sake of potential children reading this blog, we won't be showing pictures.]

Anyway, here's your chance. Rage. Emote. Show us your deepfulness. Greatness awaits. (So does a copy of Does God Speak Through Cats, which is this year's Grand Prize Selected Especially For You.) My 50th Birthday is Sunday, when I hope to be picking a winner, assuming I can still read and I'm not overcome by the fumes.

Poem away!

The 2008 Bad Poetry Contest Starts Today

No doubt you've been waiting all year for me to host my annual BAD POETRY CONTEST at MacGregor Literary. Next week is my birthday (a big one -- I hit the big Five-Oh), and I always try to celebrate by inviting all the bad poetry my friends can muster. Just go to the bottom of this blog, hit "comments," and post some lousy piece of doggerel as your way of joining in the celebration. That's right - You can be published! Right now! On my blog! Aren't you just wetting your pants in anticipation?

It can be a crappy couplet, a crummy bit of free verse, a lousy limerick (let's stay away from rhyming with the city of "Nantucket"), or any other ditty you create that shows what a sensitive and thoughtful artist you are, when you don't happen to be worrying about your lack of a book contract or whining about the bad job of marketing your publisher is doing for you.

Warning: This is not a "birthday blog." So don't feel you have to write a poem about birthdays. It's just your chance to share your true deepfulness and reflectiveosity. You're an artist -- go art.

For those not in the know, this contest grows from my belief that every poet has the same message, which can be subtly summed up this way: "LOOK AT ME! I AM SENSITIVE AND REFLECTIVE AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! SO I'LL SHOW THEM HOW DEEP I AM BY WRITING POETRY!" (Feel free to edit that statement if you're truly deep and meaningful.) I want you to know that I'm here for you poets -- in fact, I was once accused of being sensitive, and have occasionally been forced to reflect on something, until I could grow up and get over it. Therefore, I've set aside the next few days just for you. Write! Create! Sit and contemplate your navel! Do...um...whatever it is you poets do while the rest of us are out earning a living. (Drink heavily?) Then send me your bad poetry.

In case you're really a poet, and you've missed the point here, we're looking for BAD poetry. The more hideous, smarmy, self-righteous, sappy, or obtuse, the better. Don't expect me to represent it -- if you're too sensitive to notice, there's no money to be made in poetry, so my looking at your crud won't do you any good in the market. Sorry.

But there's a rich tradition among British novelists of creating really horrible poetry behind one another's backs. P.G. Wodehouse, a brilliant writer and one of my lifelong heroes, used to create truly awful stuff. He once included in a book's introduction the words, "With a hey nonny-nonny and hot cha-cha, And the sound of distant moors..." 

Um...really. And if Plum can do it, YOU can do it. So send! Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses of rhyming words yearning to breathe free. This is your chance to share your true depth and meaningfulness with the world...or at least with the group of people in publishing who read this blog. Don't delay -- start constipating now! In fact, I'm going to give all those under the age of 25 a hint to get you started: There are only four words in the English language that rhyme with love: "Dove" and "Above" are the popular choices. "Shove" and "glove" don't really count. Use of the baby word "Wuv" can get you shot. (British citizens who enter are allowed to use the word "guv," as in "guv'nor," but don't push it. We Scots have been pushed around by you people long enough.)

And the best news of all...the winner, chosen by an experienced team of expert bad poets (me, and maybe my friend Mike Allison, if he agrees to buy the Guinness) will receive a special GRAND PRIZE: a copy of Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? -- a self-published book the author sent me in hopes of getting me to represent it. Truly a life-changer. 

What can I do to make one see,

I do so love bad po-e-try.

It is, to me, a sort of balm,

And writing it just makes me calm.

For each time that I sit and write,

I show my depth, reveal my plight.

I'm really a reflective sort,

Hiding in my writing fort,

Revealing sensitivity,

For rhyme and meter, brevity.

So come join my happy clan,

Write something - show me you're a man!

(Or a woman, if you aren't home

to the Y chromosome.)

We await your craft and work,

Know that we will go berserk

When, upon this blog we see,

All your best bad po-e-try.

(The Most Reverend Chip MacGregor, Birthday Boy, Old Fart, President of the Bad Poetry Society)

No doubt you've been waiting all year for me to host my annual BAD POETRY CONTEST at MacGregor Literary. Next week is my birthday (a big one -- I hit the big Five-Oh), and I always try to celebrate by inviting all the bad poetry my friends can muster. Just go to the bottom of this blog, hit "comments," and post some lousy piece of doggerel as your way of joining in the celebration. That's right - You can be published! Right now! On my blog! Aren't you just wetting your pants in anticipation?

It can be a crappy couplet, a crummy bit of free verse, a lousy limerick (let's stay away from rhyming with the city of "Nantucket"), or any other ditty you create that shows what a sensitive and thoughtful artist you are, when you don't happen to be worrying about your lack of a book contract or whining about the bad job of marketing your publisher is doing for you.

Warning: This is not a "birthday blog." So don't feel you have to write a poem about birthdays. It's just your chance to share your true deepfulness and reflectiveosity. You're an artist -- go art.

For those not in the know, this contest grows from my belief that every poet has the same message, which can be subtly summed up this way: "LOOK AT ME! I AM SENSITIVE AND REFLECTIVE AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! SO I'LL SHOW THEM HOW DEEP I AM BY WRITING POETRY!" (Feel free to edit that statement if you're truly deep and meaningful.) I want you to know that I'm here for you poets -- in fact, I was once accused of being sensitive, and have occasionally been forced to reflect on something, until I could grow up and get over it. Therefore, I've set aside the next few days just for you. Write! Create! Sit and contemplate your navel! Do...um...whatever it is you poets do while the rest of us are out earning a living. (Drink heavily?) Then send me your bad poetry.

In case you're really a poet, and you've missed the point here, we're looking for BAD poetry. The more hideous, smarmy, self-righteous, sappy, or obtuse, the better. Don't expect me to represent it -- if you're too sensitive to notice, there's no money to be made in poetry, so my looking at your crud won't do you any good in the market. Sorry.

But there's a rich tradition among British novelists of creating really horrible poetry behind one another's backs. P.G. Wodehouse, a brilliant writer and one of my lifelong heroes, used to create truly awful stuff. He once included in a book's introduction the words, "With a hey nonny-nonny and hot cha-cha, And the sound of distant moors..." 

Um...really. And if Plum can do it, YOU can do it. So send! Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses of rhyming words yearning to breathe free. This is your chance to share your true depth and meaningfulness with the world...or at least with the group of people in publishing who read this blog. Don't delay -- start constipating now! In fact, I'm going to give all those under the age of 25 a hint to get you started: There are only four words in the English language that rhyme with love: "Dove" and "Above" are the popular choices. "Shove" and "glove" don't really count. Use of the baby word "Wuv" can get you shot. (British citizens who enter are allowed to use the word "guv," as in "guv'nor," but don't push it. We Scots have been pushed around by you people long enough.)

And the best news of all...the winner, chosen by an experienced team of expert bad poets (me, and maybe my friend Mike Allison, if he agrees to buy the Guinness) will receive a special GRAND PRIZE: a copy of Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? -- a self-published book the author sent me in hopes of getting me to represent it. Truly a life-changer. 

What can I do to make one see,

I do so love bad po-e-try.

It is, to me, a sort of balm,

And writing it just makes me calm.

For each time that I sit and write,

I show my depth, reveal my plight.

I'm really a reflective sort,

Hiding in my writing fort,

Revealing sensitivity,

For rhyme and meter, brevity.

So come join my happy clan,

Write something - show me you're a man!

(Or a woman, if you aren't home

to the Y chromosome.)

We await your craft and work,

Know that we will go berserk

When, upon this blog we see,

All your best bad po-e-try.

(The Most Reverend Chip MacGregor, Birthday Boy, Old Fart, President of the Bad Poetry Society)

Mike Hyatt goes for broke...

What a week for Mike Hyatt, the Prez at Thomas Nelson Publishers. Early last week he announced that TN would pull out of ICRS (the big CBA book show) in Orlando this July. Then he announced that TN would also pull out of BEA (the big ABA book show for the general market). A day later, he let people know that TN was cutting 10% of its workforce. And in his blog the next day, he dropped his biggest bombshell: that TN was releasing too many under-performing books, and they planned to "eliminate a significant portion of our workload" by significantly cutting their list.

Wow. That is one lousy week.

Or maybe it turns out to be a great week -- who knows? It's got to be tough to face all these problems, and even tougher to blog about them. Mr. Hyatt keeps a blog (michaelhyatt.blogs.com), in which he reveals some of his thinking. It can be an interesting read, and kudos to the guy for being willing to share some of his thinking. He's got to be the highest-ranking person in all of publishing to offer thoughts in that format, and he took some hits for doing so -- some people posted very personal attacks on the guy.

Um... Look, let me get this out right at the start: Mike and I are acquaintances, not friends. He is always very pleasant to me, but we're not hanging out together in Nashville or going to get a drink with one another at CBA. I don't feel sorry for him -- when he signed on to be the Boss, he had to know he'd face some tough decisions. You figure they pay him the big bucks to make these types of tough decisions. But I gained a huge measure of respect for the way he handled this. I was a publisher once (though not in a position of authority like he is), and sometimes you're asked to look at the future and make difficult decisions. Deciding to cut people or trim books isn't easy, but I don't see any other publisher taking the time to post some of his or her thinking on a personal web site, so that authors and agents can review it and comment on it. And, in retrospect, each of these four decisions have big repurcussions, and each may be necessary...

DUMPING ICRS: This announcement had to send shock waves through the guys running CBA -- the largest Christian book publisher has just decided to pull the plug. This is something I'm on record as having predicted the past two years (go ahead -- look it up). I just keep wondering if the show is cost-effective. The CBA convention is expensive, it doesn't lead to much book ordering for a publisher any more, and in fact it's not really a "book" show  -- it's more of a jewelry/art/t-shirt/choir-robe/Christian crap show (see my blog last year about finding "faith filled footwear," "gospel golfballs," and "armor of God pajamas"). At least at BEA you still get to hang out with BOOK people... whereas at ICRS you're surrounded by 19-year-old music publicists, their 44-year-old-manager-with-a-ponytail, and people pushing gospel ties. The Christian book publishers are tired of it, and are ready to create their own book show that will focus on just books. (A couple publsihers have noted to me that for all the wailing CBA bookstores do about profits being down, they seem unwilling to recognize that their businesses took a downturn when they stopped focusing on books and started selling Thomas Kinkade art and Precious Moments statuettes. We're a culture that appreciates speciality stores, and too many CBA member stores are now nothing more than Jesus Junk Shoppes.)

So the guys at CBA immediately issued a statement, claiming that the Thomas Nelson booth space was already rented out to somebody else, and that they were moving ahead, and that all was right with the world... don't believe it. There were more Christian books created and sold last year than ever before. We live in the Golden Age of Christian books, with incredible quantity and excellent quality. And yet CBA is shrinking. Don't blame that on consumers, and don't place the blame on all those publishers who are producing good books. If CBA is shrinking, it's because the organization and its members need to change and become part of the success story that is Christian publishing. My guess is that Thomas Nelson was spending about a quarter of a million dollars on ICRS, once you factor in travel and housing for all their staff and authors. Instead, they can send a small team to Orlando to meet with their authors and key accounts in a nearby hotel suite for one-tenth of that cost. Not only is it cheaper, they won't have to put up with the nutty side of ICRS. They can even use some of that money to send sales reps to more independent CBA stores if they want. But I think this makes perfect sense, and I think you're going to see other publishers follow suit.

In reality, I think this spells the beginning of the end for the ICRS convention. The winter show is already dead. I think the publishers will begin to focus more on BEA, where the major accounts are already attending. Or maybe we'll see more publisher-specific events (Thomas Nelson just hosted an event for their best customers, flying them all to Nashville for a "Nelson-only" party, to rub shoulders with authors and find out what the new products are going to be.) Having been attending for 20 years, I'll miss the atmosphere of the old CBA conventions... but I completely understand why Mr. Hyatt has chosen this path.

LEAVING BEA: This was probably done for the same reason -- it's a chance to save money. But over time it wouldn't surprise me to see TN back at Book Expo America. It's a true BOOK show, and my guess is that they'll soon be doing a better job of integrating all the religious publishers. It's also possible the Christian publishers will create their own trade show, going back to the roots of the early CBA events, where the focus was on books and authors and meeting bookstore owners... but the industry and culture have changed. Books sales are now dominated by Barnes & Noble and Borders, the sales at Amazon top the total sales of all the independent bookstores, and among Christian publishes it's pretty well known that if you don't have the support of Family Stores, you probably aren't going to succeed in the Christian market anyway. So this decision of Mr. Hyatt is more of a surprise.

AXING STAFF: This one hurts. Again, I don't know Mike well, but he's got to be lying awake nights with this decision. Still, Thomas Nelson is the sixth largest publisher in America (I think I've got that correct), and they've had some growth recently in an industry that has been, overall, quite flat. I think this was the most controversial step -- if you're seeing growth, why cut jobs? But over time, growth causes you to put on some fat, and occasionally you have to trim the excess. I understand they cut most of the folks who had been with the old Rutledge Hill imprint (cookbooks, country music types, and Jeff Foxworthy humor titles), some sales staff, some support people... as I said, it can't be easy. But if you're going to trim the list of titles, you've got to trim the number of people working on titles.

CUTTING THE LIST: This is the one decision that has stirred up the most controversy. Last year TN produced 700 titles. Mr. Hyatt mentioned that 23% of them (about 160 titles) provided 90% of the company income. Or, to look at it another way, they produced more than 500 titles that, cumulatively, generated only 10% of the company income. Ouch. So they're going to trim the list. Makes sense. I think some people have over-reacted to this, thinking that TN is about to cancel a couple hundred book contracts... but that's not what he said (at least that's not how I read it). I think a better reading is to suggest that they plan to cancel some smaller books, put some non-performing titles out of print, and take a closer look at the projections of new titles.

Here's what's scary about all this: Mr. Hyatt notes that he wants the company to focus on titles that "are typically written by known authors or from authors who at least have media platforms ..."  Authors and agents are worried that means there will be more of a focus on celebrity, and fewer chances for new authors to be discovered and break out. A publisher is always looking for that next great voice -- the author who will come from nowhere and begin selling well. Publishing is full of stories like that -- in fact, their biggest fiction author, Ted Dekker, was an unpublished wannabe when TN did his first book. So here's a hope that "the platform question" won't always keep them from publishing great writing on a salable idea, even if the author is unknown.

This is too long already -- there's more to say, but I'll leave it at this: Mike Hyatt had one really bad week. But I have to tell you, I think he's done exactly the right things. The industry is changing, and here's a perfect example of how things are changing.

I welcome your comments and questions...

Asking About Agents

Elizabeth wrote to ask, "Can you tell me the basics of how to get an agent, when to get an agent, and how the agent relationship works?"

I have responded to this basic question in the past, so let me repeat some of my old ideas...

I’m a literary agent. I’ve been in CBA for more than 20 years, full time for the last 15 or so. I made my living as an author and, later, as an editor before I fell away from the Lord and became an agent. I was with one of the top literary agencies in the business for many years, and now I’m out on my own – so I’m admittedly biased. I’m pretty successful at what I do, in a business where many people call themselves “agents” but don’t know what they’re doing (and, consequently, don’t last very long), I’m fairly well known in the industry and, by and large, have developed a pretty good reputation (more evidence of the mercy of God). Feel free to ask around and see what others say. Most people who know me will tell you that I’m not an agent evangelist. I’ll be the first one to tell you that not everybody needs an agent. And I’m fairly safe in talking about this stuff because I’ve been saying the same stuff for years.  So I’m going to give you my opinion…

When NOT to get an agent:

-When you're not a proven writer. Generally, publishers are looking for great ideas, expressed through great writing, and offered by a person with a great platform. Sometimes they get all three, usually they settle for two of three. (I’ve taken on some unproven writers because I liked an idea or the writing, but understand that I work MUCH harder for an unknown author, and get less return, than I do for a proven author… and that's why agents prefer to work with proven authors.)

-When you don't have either a full manuscript (if it’s fiction) or a dynamite proposal and sample chapters (if it’s non-fiction). Without those, you’re simply not ready.

-When you won't let others critique your work. Criticism is how we get better. Why is it the worst writers seem the least ready to listen? (Maybe because in their hearts they know they aren’t that good, and admitting that would hurt their self-esteem… or maybe I’m guilt of psychologizing.)

-When you're not ready for rejection. This is a tough business. Do you have any idea how many times I hear the word “NO” in a week? If you can’t take “no,” or if you can’t take criticism, or if you can’t take direction, go back to the dry-cleaning business. You obviously aren’t tough enough for the writing biz.

-When you have time on your hands. (Right. Like THAT’S going to happen.)

-When you feel like you're "giving away" 15% of your income. I don’t think any of the authors I work with resent my percentage… they know I help them earn more than they’d get on their own. But if you don’t feel that way, you’re probably not ready to work with an agent.

-When you enjoy selling books and negotiating contracts, you have the relationships with editors to set up your own book deal, and you don't mind singing your own praises.

When TO get an agent:

-When you have a dynamite proposal that a publisher will fall in love with. The agent should help you maximize the deal.

-When you don't know who to go to. An agent should have strong relationships in publishing… ALWAYS ask a prospective agent who he/she represents, ask to talk with some of his/her authors, and ask what deals he/she has done lately. If an agent doesn’t really represent anybody, or hasn’t really done any deals, you have to wonder if they’re really an agent or just playing one on TV. One more thought: an agent lives or dies on his/her relationships. Make sure you pick somebody who is good at relationships.

-When you don't know about contracts (they are legal documents that govern every aspect of your book for as long as it's in print... a contract can impact your life for years).

-When you don't know what a good deal or a bad deal is.

-When you don't know how to read a royalty statement.

-When you don't know how to market your book.

-When you don't have time on your hands and don't want to negotiate with the publisher yourself.

-When you don’t want to be the person promoting or selling yourself and your work.

That said, my advice for finding an agent isn't necessarily going to please everyone...

-Go meet agents up close and personal. Attend conferences, make appointments at their office, or connect at a book show. It will give you a feel for what the individual is like.

-Get to know and trust the agent. Again, I think there are a lot of people who claim to be agents but don't really know the business, so make sure you connect with the person one-on-one.

-Find out if they like books and if they're good with words. In my view, the best agents are word people first. (That’s an important point. Just because a guy has negotiated contracts doesn’t mean he can help you with ideas or writing or editing or selling.) Ask what they read.

-Ask who they represent, then go check with some of their authors.

-Ask, "How many books have you contracted in the past year?"

-Look for a full-time agent, not somebody who is part agent, part editor, part author, part Amway salesman. More and more I think this is true. Not everybody can be an agent. (Just like not everybody can be an author, a copy-editor, a sales rep, or the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.) So look for somebody who knows the job and is sold out on doing it, rather than somebody who is trying to represent people while also doing a dozen other things.

-Go create a wonderful proposal with good writing and a complete bio. This is really the most important step. Make sure to include your sales history and a market analysis.

-Remember MacGregor’s Law of Agenting: Make sure you LIKE the person. There's nothing worse that having to do business regularly with people you don't like. I LIKE the authors I represent. Most are personal friends. I can’t imagine working in my office, having the phone ring, hearing the receptionist say, “Mr Farnsworth is on the phone,” and me going into a spasm of disgust - “Yikes! Farnsworth! I HATE that guy! Tell him I’m not here!” Life is too short. I routinely tell authors that I’m not the agent for everyone. My personal style is fairly gentle (believe it or not…I’m not nearly the smart aleck in real life as I appear in print), I’m pretty soft-spoken at meetings (people are often disappointed when they meet me). So I’m not the right guy for a writer who wants Mr. Take-Charge. If you don’t LIKE the individual, don’t hire him.

-Once you settle on someone, make a commitment to work with him or her long term. A good agent should talk with you about your writing career. My goal is to work with the authors I represent for the next 20 years, so we can all retire together and still be friends. That said, always ask if the agent you’re talking to relies on a “term” agreement or an “at will" agreement. My agency agreement is a letter that serves as an at-will agreement. There’s no term -- it starts the day we sign it; it ends when we start calling each other names and throwing manuscripts at each other. (I’ve talked with too many authors who got locked into really bad term agreements -- “I’d like to have you represent me, Chip, but I’m stuck with Mr. Bonehead for the next two years.”)

-Understand that not all agents are alike. One person is a “contracts” guy – his focus is on intellectual property rights law and tough negotiation. Another person is an “editorial” type – her emphasis is on helping you craft a great manuscript. Some agents are “idea” guys (they come up with great ideas), others are “life management” types (they will coordinate your speaking, writing, media, money, even your wardrobe, I suppose). My strengths are in “recognizing great writing” and “career development,” and those are two things I’ve established pretty firmly as my agent identity over the last decade. Figure out what you need in an agent, then determine what the agent’s strengths are. That’ll move you down the path much quicker.

I used to tell would-be agents (1) only represent people you like, and (2) only represent good writers. I've been able to hold to that, and have done really well in the business. The authors I represent are friends, and every one of them can write.

So... can you get published without an agent? Of course you can. You can also sell your house without a realtor and draw up your own will without a lawyer. But you may not want to do any of those things, and it’s getting harder and harder to do them well. In fact, trying to get a career established in publishing without a good agent is an uphill climb. It’s doable, but it’s harder than it used to be. A good agent should help you decide on a salable idea, create a better proposal, and get that proposal in front of the decision-makers who matter. More and more, your agent will help you refine your work, assist you with your marketing, and shape your career... not just get you another book contract.

Whew... maybe that was more than you wanted. Hope it helps.

On Conferences and Ideas

I just got back from the best writing conference I've ever attended -- the Calvin Conference on Faith and Writing. It took place at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, and featured bestselling authors such as Haven Kimmel, Kathleen Norris, Yann Martel, Phyllis Tickle, Rob Bell, Francine Rivers, and T. Davis Bunn. Pulitzer Prize winners Michael Chabon and Edward P. Jones spoke, as did Pulitzer nominee Robert Finch, and National Book Award winner Katherine Paterson. And (probably due to a clerical error) me.

There were fascinating presentations, all done by smart people with really big titles. Mary Louise Bringle spoke on "From Despair to Healing: Theological Insights from Fiction," and others did things like "Graphalogia" and "Writing as Catechesis" and "How I Learned to Draw God." Meanwhile, I did my usual "the right way to sharpen a pencil." I also gave people tips on saving money by using toilet paper instead of kleenex. In case there were charismatics in the audience, I pretended to speak in tongues and heal somebody.

Anyway, they do this every other year at Calvin. One of the reasons I like it so much is because of the quality of writer they get. Haven Kimmel is one of my heroes, so the fact that we got a chance to sit down and yack was special. (Her most recent book, She Got Up Off the Couch, is about her mother, who rose from poor roots to become an English professor. So when I got to sit and have a conversation with her mom, I was thrilled. And charmed.) Davis Bunn proved once again to be the nicest Southern Gentleman still living. Phyllis Tickle is always nice to me, though I have no idea why. So is the poet Luci Shaw, even though I'm never smart enough to figure out what she's saying. Being able to chat up very smart people is always nice, though they generally just stand there and wonder how I wrangled an invitation. This year I took my wife's advice and wore a clean shirt.

Being able to listen to great writers is a gift. I got to go to dinner with three novelists I admire -- Lisa Samson (whose novel Quaker Summer was just named novel of the year by Christianity Today), Claudia Mair Burney (an up-and-coming Simon & Schuster writer), and Mark Bertrand (who just signed a multi-book deal with Bethany House). Now that was fun. They seem to speak naturally using great images. Someday, when I'm old, I'd like to be as smart as them. 

Many of the writers' conferences may not be able to afford to bring in quite so many famous writers, but there are a couple things they could emulate: Have more public conversations with writers. Don't feel you've got to ask a novelist to give a workshop -- many of us would prefer the chance to just sit and listen to them talk, so ask a good interviewer to chat them up in front of an audience. Have more public readings. One of the time-tested events at writing conferences is to have an author show up and read passages from his or her novel or nonfiction book. Why so many contemporary conferences have moved away from this practice is a mystery. Ask academics to participate. There were a number of English professors at this conference, and it raises the level of discussion at a conference. I've been teaching a couple classes in the Professional Writing Program at Taylor University this year, and I've been reminded that profs love the chance to share their materials with someone besides colleagues and students. Use films and music to supplement the lectures. The Calvin conference filled their evenings with four films, three open-mike poetry gatherings, two concerts, a jazz verspers service, and a worship service led by a pastor/author. They also presented a play one afternoon. It wouldn't be too hard to schedule a variety of these types of things at a writing conference that takes place at a college or in a larger city.

Okay, I've got a bunch of publishing questions to catch up on -- which I'll do tomorrow, as soon as I've reviewed my notes from the conference so as to sound smarter than I am.

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Questions

A full roundup of random publishing questions today...

Andrea wrote to say, "An author recently gave me a copy of her book to review. I wasn't very impressed with the writing or the story, but I felt indebted to write a fairly positive review (since she gave me a complimentary copy). What is my obligation in this situation?"

Eeek. I hate that situation. Been there many times myself, and I always felt like a weenie when I didn't tell the truth. Besides, none of us like reading a glowing endorsement of a book, only to buy the book and feel ripped off by a reviewer who clearly either (a) lied, or (b) didn't read the book, or (c) can't read. It's frustrating. So my advice is lifted entirely from my Grandmother: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

There's a limit to this advice, of course. If you're hired to do a review, just close your eyes and tell the truth. But in a case like you're describing, where you've been given a copy by someone who probably thinks of you as a friend, it is sometimes best to write back and politely say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to do a review on this book after all. I wish you the best."

Tanya wrote to ask about titles: "I understand publishers have the last word on titles -- how often do they change an author's proposed title? And if they're going to change it anyway, how important is the title we suggest?"

The proposed title coming from the author is always given weight by a publishing or titling committee. In fact, the publisher will sometimes bend over backwards to be polite to an author offering up a lousy title. (My pick for one of the all-time bad CBA titles: "Heism Vs Meism," a book by Michael Yousseff with Harvest House. Michael is great. Harvest House is wonderful. The book isn't bad at all. But that title really sucks. When I saw it, I didn't even know how to pronounce it.) That said, I've seen both sides come up with clunkers. Sometimes an author will get stuck on a totally unsalable title and be completely unreasonable about it (let's face it, if you don't have a background in marketing, you may want to give up on that title everyon is telling you is awful). At other times, the publisher will push for a title that doesn't fit a book (they'll claim to be basing it on market research, but it usually is because nobody has come up with a title that really captures the book). The bottom line? Nobody -- not author, not publisher -- has a sure-fire method for creating dynamite titles. And nobody wants to publish a title the author hates. So create some good titles, offer some alternatives, and keep the lines of dialogue open.

Ryan wanted to know, "If my book is published with a small house, what are the chances it will get into Target or Wal-Mart? Do those companies only buy books from big publishers?"

Wal-Mart and Target use book buyers to select the books they sell. The larger companies have full-time sales staff dedicated just to those accounts (for example, Grand Central has a couple sales people who do nothing but sell to Wal-Mart). That exclusivity, and the size of their lists, gives them a big advantage. They have a lot of products to show the buyers, they're talking all the time, and they've worked to understand what the seller does best. That said, you never know what a Wal-Mart will buy. They like high-concept books that meet the felt needs of blue collar people, so if you're doing something like that, you stand a chance. And yes, they'll look at it, assuming your publisher has a sales rep who gets in front of them.

Steve wrote to say, "I have a degree in teaching from a Christian university, and I've taken classes in the Professional Writing Program at Taylor University... but I feel stuck between two careers. What do I do?"

If you're trying to make it as a writer, you've got an uphill climb. But so does everybody who wants to make a living in the arts. Look -- I'm a pretty good ballroom dancer. (Really. Publishers love it when I come to their publishing balls, since there will be 300 authors and 6 guys who know how to dance.) I've had lessons for years, and if you saw me on the floor you'd think I was head and shoulders above most beginners. But I realize there's a huge gap between being pretty good at the local dance club and asking people to pay $20 to come watch me dance in a show. My son is a good guitar player, but there's quite a leap from playing in the worship band at church and asking people to plunk down $18 for his latest CD. So just because someone is a pretty fair writer doesn't mean he can expect a reader to pay them $21 for their latest novel. There's a gap between amateurs and professionals. It's tough to make it in any art.

Therefore, what do you do? You work at it. Get better. Study the craft. Take classes. Join a critique group. Locate a writing mentor. Pay a professional editor to review your work. Sit your butt in a chair and write a lot. Most novelists don't get their first book published -- they write several novels before hitting on a story that's salable. I've been teaching a couple writing courses in Taylor's excellent Professional Writing Program (thanks for the plug!), and I'm surprised to find so few older or non-traditional students. Most everyone in my classes is in the 18-to-22 year range -- which is fine, since I love the students, and enjoy teaching them, but I'd love to see more returning students who are trying to move forward in their careers. (By the way, the program is expanding to include online courses. And the guy in charge, Dr. Dennis Hensley, is currently teaching at a bunch of the American Christian Writers conferences around the country. If you're interested in the program, you should email him. I don't know of anything quite like it in Christian college circles.)

Oh... man... Just as I wrote those words, an email popped up onto my screen. Speaking of Christian colleges, one of the giants has passed. Dr. Clyde Cook, the longtime president of Biola University, has died. What a loss for the school, for the church at large, and for all believers. The guy was wonderful. A great sense of humor, an encouragement to those around him, and a real leader at one of America's best colleges. Geez. I'm heartbroken. Clyde was one of my biggest supporters. He always called me on my birthday to check in. He always made a point of seeing me when he was in Portland. He always remembered to ask about Patti. I was just at Biola last week, speaking to some student writers, and missed him (he was in Houston, speaking to people and, no doubt, making them laugh). Shoot. If you didn't know Clyde Cook, you missed one of the really good guys in the faith. The world is a lesser place today.

So long, Clyde. See you again sometime.

As the Page Turns

Lots going on in publishing these days...

First, Borders may or may not be in trouble. It would seem incredible that the nation's second largest bookseller, in the midst of a growth phase with smaller "boutique" bookstores going up in malls, would suddenly be facing a financial crisis. But they say it's caused by the tightening credit rules, debt, and the cost of money. They had to refinance a huge debt load at a very high rate -- never a good sign for a business. And rumor has it Barnes & Noble is sniffing around, hoping to try and snap them up on the cheap. Nobody in publishing wants that to happen. Competition is always good for business, and B&N would have very little competition in the brick-and-mortar book business if they were to purchase Borders.

Actually, I'm not sure the government would allow it. Borders and B&N combined account for 55% of all retail book sales in this country, and surely the government would see that consumer prices would be bound to rise if the two companies merged. However, if you take into account Amazon and other online booksellers, B&N could claim the two chains only amount to about a third of all book sales...so perhaps a permissive federal regulator would allow it to happen. But I hope not. Having two companies creates competition, which is always a good thing.

Second, HarperCollins made big news with the announcement they were creating a new imprint that would rely on very different business practices than most publishers. Robert Miller, the longtime boss at Hyperion, has moved to HC to head up the new venture. The imprint will offer lower-priced books (word is they're trying to keep hardcovers at $20), won't pay advances to authors (instead relying on a profit-sharing plan), won't buy display space in stores (instead relying on their online marketing efforts), and will sell books outright to retailers (rather than allowing unsold books to be returned by stores for a credit). It's ambitious. And it's a risk. Publishers tried the "no return" policy in the 80's and had to abandon it largely because bookstores refused to stock their titles. But publishers feel a need to try something different -- they're being squeezed by the increasing demands of authors for advances that equal a living wage, the overall flat sales of books, the lower margins offered by big-box retailers like Wal-Mart, and the increasing cost of paper and printing. The internet has brought about significant changes in the distribution of books -- now the publishers are trying to determine how that will play out in terms of the production and sale of their titles. This is a fascinating effort on the part of HarperCollins.

Third, people in the industry are seeing new publishing companies get started... making a lot of folks wonder what the trouble is with the established houses. The thinking goes like this: "If people are starting new publishing businesses, they must see the potential to make money with books... so why would the established book publishers and book sellers not be making money?" It's an excellent question, and the answer probably lies in the transition from a brick-based economy to an ether-based economy. The new startup companies are planning to build their organizations largely through internet sales and marketing, they're using profit-sharing plans with authors, and they're trying to get ahead of the curve with things like distribution and niche-marketing. Summerside Press, a new company formed by some former employees at Barbour, is creating a line of romance novels based on American cities with interesting names. They offer a fair contract for their market, are establishing a marketing and sales channel, and have a plan that is based on an economy in the new millennium. Similarly, I'm told former CBA editor Jeff Gerke is setting up a line of speculative novels based on a profit-sharing plan. We're going to see more publishing companies like this get started in the near future -- and history tells us that some of them are going to break out and establish themselves in the market. That's good news for authors.

Fourth, it was revealed that several of the New York houses have distributed Sony Readers (the digital book created by Sony) to their editors. Upon hearing it, I knew it made perfect sense -- instead of lugging home a bag of books, they'll just have to carry one book-sized Reader. Of course, nobody could have been more dismayed at the news than Jeff Bezos, the head man at Amazon. His Kindle e-book reader is a better product, but costs $100 more than the Sony, AND they've had problems fulfilling orders (some customers claim they've waited six weeks to receive a Kindle).

I much prefer the Kindle to the Sony Reader, but I've seen Sony Blu-Ray defeat standard DVDs, and Sony Beta technology become the standard in the film industry... so something tells me they're making a push to establish their product as the #1 e-book reader. I'm on record as saying we haven't seen the perfect e-reader yet (the Kindle feels plasticky and doesn't do graphics; the Sony screen is hard to read and doesn't have the features I'd want). I'll bet the folks at Amazon wish they'd thought to send free Kindles to all the publishers. If you want to get readers on your side, convince the editors first.

Fifth, there's a hue and cry going up among those that self-publish. Amazon, the nation's largest e-tailer of books, announced that print-on-demand titles must now be created through their own POD service, BookSurge. You can look at this one of two ways: it's either a business being a business, or it's a huge power grab by a company bent on dominating the little guy. Let's say you're a speaker, who uses POD books to support your organization with back-of-the-room sales. Normally you'd shop around to find the best balance of quality printing with reasonable prices, then you'd let everyone know the book is available at Amazon. No more. If you're going to sell your book through Amazon, you're going to have to use their BookSurge division, which means paying their established prices. (And things can't be terribly chummy between the folks at Amazon and the people at Ingram, the mega-supplier who has worked with numerous POD authors through their LightningSource program. I wonder how this will play out.) The reason this is important to you is that it reminds us that the best thing for authors is to have multiple vendors and alternatives -- not to have everything run through one company.

I'll get back to writing and questions next time, but I thought it was important to note the significant changes going on in our industry. Would love to know what you think.

Good Grief -- Why Don't You Update This Thing?

Some new information has come out on the bestselling books of 2007, and it's fascinating stuff...

First, there were nine novels that sold a million copies last year, according to Publishers Weekly (in fact, all the numbers in this column will be based on the most recent issue of PW): Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, A Thousand Splendid Suns, Playing for Pizza, Double Cross, The Choice, Lean Mean Thirteen, Plum Lovin, Eclipse, and Book of the Dead. I don't know how many of those you read but I can tell you it was a great year for Janet Evanovich, and that Pizza is one of Grisham's clunkers. Ugh.

Second, there were sort-of seven nonfiction hardcover books that sold a million copies last year: The Secret, The Dangerous Book for Boys, Decelptively Delicious, You: Staying Young, I Am America (and so can you), Become a Better You, and, apparently, The Daring Book for Girls. My reason for saying there were "sort of" seven books is because the recorded sales for that last book was exactly one million copies... which would have been an amazing coincidence. (On an honest note, You: On a Diet came in less than 2000 copies short of a million.)

Third, there were eleven trade paperback titles that hit the magic mark: Eat Pray Love, The Kite Runner, Water for Elephants, The Road, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, The Pillars of the Earth, Love in the Time of Cholera, 90 Minutes in Heaven, Jeusalem Countdown, Middlesex, and Measure of a Man. And no, I'm not kidding... John Hagee's Jerusalem really did sell more than a million copies. Unbelievable.

Fourth, there were sixteen mass market novels that sold a million copies. I won't list them all by title, but Nora Roberts held places #1 and #3, and James Patterson held #2, 4, 5, and 6.

Fifth, the only children's book to pass the million mark was Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass, though it first released ten years ago. James Patterson, who apparently has cloned himself in order to write in every genre, fell 250 copies short of a million with Maximum Ride: School's Out Forever.

Some interesting facts:

-Of the more than four million books in print last year, 44 hit the million mark.

-Of the 250,000 NEW books published last year, 17 of them sold a million copies. (That would be .00006.) 

-If we assume selling 200,000 copies is the mark of a breakout book, there were 62 hardcover novels, 63 hardcover nonfiction titles, and 71 trade paperbacks that hit the big time.

-If we assume selling 500,000 is the bar for making it big in mass market, there were 90 titles that made it.

-It was nice to see some literary fiction do well, particularly in the trade papers. The Kite Runner, Water for Elephants, The Road, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, and Love in the Time of Cholera are not your fast commercial reads.

-Some things just keep selling. Love in the Time of Cholera was released in 1985 (nice to see what Oprah can do for you, isn't it?). Pillars of the Earth was released in 1989.

-Readers continue to fall in love with novelists and stay with them. I can't count the number of James Patterson titles on all these lists. Similarly we see a lot of Nicholas Sparks, Janet Evanovich, David Baldacci, Nora Roberts, Mary Higgins Clark, and Debbie Macomber.

-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was the bestselling book of all last year, selling more than thirteen million copies. That's now the bestselling fiction series of all time.

-The Secret was the next bestselling book. Booksellers moved 4,590,000 copies, just outpacing the trade paperback edition of Eat, Pray, Love. The only other books to pass the two million mark were Kite Runner, Thousand Splended Suns, and Blood Brothers.

-Joel Osteen must live a charmed life. His Become a Better You sold 1,181,173 copies, which is amazing.

-The bestselling Christian book last year belonged to my good buddy Cec Murphey, whose 90 Minutes in Heaven sold 1,273,000 in trade paper -- not bad for a book that came out back in 2006.

-It's amazing to see how many good Christian books sold 100,000 copies or more. Thomas Nelson is all over the list with titles from Emerson Eggerichs, Beth Moore, Billy Graham, Max Lucado, Robin McGraw, Chip Davis, John Maxwell, Deborah Norville, Bill Cosby, John MacArthur, and Dave Ramsey. Mike Hyatt, the Prez at Thomas Nelson, deserves a parade. I don't know if there is a better-run company in publishing.

-Tyndale also had several titles on the >100,000 list, by authors like Karen Kingsbury and Joel Rosenberg. (And it should be noted that Tony Dungy's Quiet Strength sold 820,124 copies in hardcover.)

-It's always nice to see small books do well -- Deborah Rodriguez's The Kabul Beauty School sold 102,000 copies. A.J. Jacob's The Year of Living Biblically sold 113,000 copies.

-It's always nice to see old friends do well -- Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five sold 125,000 copies, 38 years after its release. And Horton Hatches teh Egg sold more than a quarter million copies 67 years after its first release. (Hop on Pop passed the half million mark last year, and The Cat in the Hat came close to that.)

-It's always nice to see a jerk fall on his face. For all the hoopla John Dean got, the publicity-seeking ex-con who turned on his friends in order to cut a deal had plenty of media, but tepid sales. Ditto famous nutjob atheist Richard Dawkins -- for all the press the guy gets, his book barely topped the 100,000 mark.

-Sometimes there's just no telling... United States Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's book My Grandfather's Son sold 283,000 copies. So did Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary III. My guess is they weren't bought by the same people.