Your Attention Please

You wouldn't believe the stupid ideas that get sent me. I've tried really hard not to present too many of them here on this blog, since I don't want to hurt the feelings of those sincere-yet-misguided souls who feel God led them to send me their crummy book idea. I'm always afraid that some nice Baptist boy is going to send me a proposal for a book his mother told him was excellent, but then he's going to see me making fun of it on my blog, become agitated and -- I don't know...Attend a dance or something. Maybe order a beer with his burger. Even (gasp!) check out the latest Harry Potter book in order to start casting spells on me. Still, sometimes the bad ideas come in and grab my attention, so that I just can't help from being snarky.

Like, um, the guy who recently sent me Harry Potter Visits Vedaland, an interesting romp about the boy wizard apparently becoming a Hindu and having merry mixups in India, including jumping in the Ganges with his clothes on. I pondered explaining the minor legal problems the author might run into, stealing one of the best-selling characters in publishing history in order to promote Eastern mysticism. But I didn't. Instead, I sent the proposal to my friend and fellow agent Steve Laube, with a comment that I was too busy, but a man of his fine tastes would appreciate the deep wisdom contained, etc.

Other recent proposals incude a lesbian's guide to God, someone wanting to know if God speaks through farm animals, and a project entitled "Naked Poker" that I didn't feel old enough to actually examine. All of these made me think of the late, lamented Miss Snark -- a literary agent who had a great blog on blogspot for a couple years. She retired from blogging earlier this year, sad to say, leaving devoted fans like myself to have to wade through old posts in order to get a laugh. If you're in the mood, feel free to check out the old ones by googling "Miss Snark." (And, so long as I'm tossing out compliments, make sure to drop by Mike Hyatt's blog, since he admitted to actually reading my last one, and he's now my closest and dearest friend in the business. Gina Holmes' Novel Journey site is good too, and she is no doubt also my closest and dearest friend in the business. So is anybody else who publicly admits to reading my miscellaneous meanderings.)

Anyway, bad proposals lead me to think of bad writing. And Dave wrote to ask me, "What's the worst thing you've ever seen in a proposal?" The worst thing may have been the time an author included a nude photo of himself. It was tipped into a proposal on gambling, and didn't have anything to do with the book idea, so I figured either the author (a) had made a bad  author / agent protocol error, or (b) mistakenly thought I was "the gambling gay agent," or (c) was simply proud of his gambling equipment, if you get my meaning. But here's an interesting item: I was once handed a novel proposal that opened with the words, "Ring! Ring! said the telephone."

Barf! Barf! said the agent.

Continuing on that writing track, Cindy #1 wrote to ask, "How do I begin to find my voice as a writer?" Cindy, do you remember the scene in the movie "Finding Forrester" where Sean Connery gives his young protege a first paragraph from an old article, then tells him to finish writing it? That's a good way to begin thinking about voice. Think about what you sound like, what others around you sound like, and what you want to sound like. Sometimes inspiration and voice are found by exploring others' work. When I read Garrison Keillor's Leaving Home, it helped me find my voice for writing stories about growing up in Witch Hazel, Oregon. (Okay...it's a snotty sort of nasal voice, but still, it's a voice.) Same was true when I read Flannery O'Connor's Everything That Rises Must Converge. It happened again when I read Ricky Bragg's All Over But the Shoutin. There was imitation in my writing, at least for a while. But what's wrong with imitation? It allows us to try on a different voice, until we figure out what our own voice sounds like.

I once read that Joan Didion learned to write by retyping Hemingway. It gave her a feel for flow, dialogue, and the rhythm of words. In a biography of the Beatles, I once read George Harrison claim that their early music was little more than a way of copying Chuck Berry, and he noted that all of their music was "derivative," having been built on the musicians who influenced them. Writing works that same way. If you took writing classes at a college in the US, you were probably influenced by the style of Sherwood Anderson, even if you don't know who he is. You asked how to begin -- that's a great way to begin. Look at writing that moves you, that helps you grow, that sounds like you. Find a writer who writes the way you want to write. Or take the opening of someone else's piece and complete it. That's a good place to start. In time, you'll begin to find your own voice.

Cindy #2 wrote to ask, "Who are the authors who have influenced you the most?" In terms of just enjoying their writing, it would be Tom Pynchon, Mark Twain, Haven Kimmel, Ross Thomas...there may be too many to count. Among contemporary writers, I like the storytelling ability of Rick Bragg. If we were to talk about old timers, I'm still a huge fan of Mark Twain and John Steinbeck. In the more little-known world of Christian writing, I love the work of Lauren Winner and Brennan Manning. And, if I can say this without it sounding like a commercial, I'm a fan of all the writers I represent. I keep it a fairly small list, since I want to work with people who can actually write, but take a look at the novels of Lisa Samson and Penelope Wilcock and Susan Meissner and Bette Nordberg. Good writers all.

Comments

[Kristy Dykes]

Great post, as always. Great advice. As a merchant marine, Thomas Wolfe laboriously copied every word of James Joyce's novel Ulysses, taking months and months. Then he threw it overboard. "Why?" his shipmates asked. "Now I know how to write a book," he replied.

[John Robinson]

Very salient post, Chip. Although I didn't much appreciate your snide comments about the "Naked Poker" book. I'll have you know I worked darn hard on that manuscript.

Your snarkiness about my picture was also not appreciated; it wasn't easy finding a photographer willing to take that shot. Not a sober one, anyway. But you tell me I can write (you wouldn't have taken me on otherwise, nicht wahr?), so...all is forgiven!

From your closest and dearest friend in the business,
John

[Sam Pakan]

Sorry to take so long to post. I tried to figure out how to tape my picture in the comments box. When I clicked 'post,' the picture stayed, but I lost the comment box.

Oh, well. Guess you'll have to take my word for it; I'm one great specimen of a human being in the buff. (And, no, that wasn't a tatoo.)

Regarding finding one's voice: I discovered mine not long after puberty. It had been missing for about six months, then just showed up one day.

And you forgot Faulkner.

[Cindy Thomson]

Cindy #3 here, feeling a little neglected. I guess you had too many Cindy questions, huh? But I did enjoy this post, especially: "Ring, ring." Unbelievable!

[Pam Halter]

"Tap! Tap!" said the computer keyboard. "My writer had planned to send you a proposal on a nonfiction book about not being ashamed of the temple of the Holy Spirit (with accompanying photo) but decided against it after finding out someone else stole her idea."

[Richard Mabry]

Chip,
Did you lose my proposal? It began, "Knock, knock. There was a knock at the door. Knock, knock. There it was again...."
Eat your heart out, Hemingway.

[PatriciaW]

I don't know which is funnier: your post or those of the commenters. Lots of snarkiness out there in writerland and thankfully, a whole lot of humor.

[Brandy]

You see, I just knew reading submissions was fun. Ah, thanks for the hearty laugh.

[Stevie Rey]

Oh Lord, Chip! My poor heart just skipped a beat. I just knew I was gonna be in that list a stupid ideas and proposals...but don't worry, I only send nekked photos to the female agents...you'll be interested to know that I have hit the big time! I have a weekly column in The Drumright Gusher (Drumright, Oklahoma). Now, that's platform! 50 fans Cain't be wrong!

[Candace Salima]

Absolutely hysterical and sadly true. Thanks for blogging on this topic. Really, a naked picture --- what did that have to do with a book on gambling? Okay, never mind. I don't want to know.

[Angie Farnworth]

Clutching my heart! Miss Snark is gone????? Oh the tragedy...

[Camille]

The bad poetry contest was so much fun, maybe you could run a very, very bad proposal contest?? The gay naked gambler could be one of the judges. Whadaya say? It's the perfect time for it...it's summer and there's nothing on TV.

[Danica/Dream]

I don't know if I'm old enough to read your blog anymore, Chip. My sweet, pure, innocent mind exposed to such...

*glances around furtively*

Where's the popcorn?

[Ed J. Horton]

Chip, I just discovered your website a couple of weeks ago and read your post about ICRS. Read your current post and enjoyed the snarky comments about bad book proposals. I'm sure you've seen it all (sorry, that wasn't a reference to the nude photo you mentioned)!

Anyway, consider me a new fan of your blog.

P.S. Did I mention my idea for a flying superhero dog...

[C.J. Darlington]

We should start a "People who read Chip's Blog Society".

[Stevie Rey]

Exactly the info that I needed today, bro! Boo Ya!

Stevie