Back to Work: Thoughts on ICRS 2009

You take a week to go to books shows and writing conferences, and you suddenly discover you are DAYS behind in blogging. Sorry.

Last week was the International Christian Retail Show (also referred to as "ickers"), and I've already had several people write to ask what it was like. Surprisingly, I found the show very upbeat. I mean, I was expecting to see doom and gloom. Christian bookstores are closing, the numbers at the show are down again, some publishers have pulled out completely, and I thought this might be the last year we saw a CBA show.

I was wrong. There was good energy at this show. It was certainly smaller, and again it is no longer a "book" show exactly, but the folks who were there seemed to give it a thumbs up. Some houses were writing orders, which was a nice surprise (selling books on the show floor had become a rarity, since most stores order books online or through sales reps nowadays). While the overall number of international guests seemed way down due to the economy, international sales orders were still being written, according to everyone I talked to.

There are still struggles. Several publishers have pulled out and the ones remaining are far less engaged than they used to be. No publishing house brought many authors. The days of lavish publisher parties are over (dang!). In many ways I still think this could be done on a weekend, instead of taking the better part of a week. And I wonder if we might all be better off with a big meeting of publishers, authors, agents, and media at a nice hotel some weekend -- sort of a longish wine-and-cheese where we can all talk business and get stuff done. But still, ICRS surprised me with some vigor this year.

A trend: A new look in book covers. Take a peek. We're seeing a new vision for CBA novels. More texture. Fewer creepy looking evil guys. Fewer models looking off into space with the wind blowing their hair into a rat's nest. Check out the covers at Zondervan and Tyndale and Baker at their corporate websites. It's a positive step.

And, as always, I've had at least a couple dozen people write to ask about the dopiest thing I saw at the show this year. Longtime readers will recall that past winners of my coveted "CBA Weenie Award" have included:

-Gospel golf balls (complete with John 3:16 printed on them!)

-Armor of God Pajamas (complete with "Helmet of Salvation" nightcap)

-Standing on the Promises Insoles (your feet NEED bible verses)

-Pope Soap on a Rope (gave me no hope, I couldn't cope, was the color of taupe, sold by a dope)

-Vials of ash from Sodom & Gomorrah  (don't wait! get one for your gay friends now!)

-Praise Panties (preferably the red ones, embroidered with "His Love Endures Forever")

But none of these were there this year. Last year's winner, Heroin Jesus, was back (if you don't know, it's a truly tasteless painting of a junkie shooting drugs into his arm, with Jesus standing over him and extending his own arm, so that the drugs are shot into Christ's veins... um, no, I'm not kidding, and no, it doesn't make any sense, even with the out-of-context bible verse about "he who has done this to the least of these has done this to me" as an attempt to sanctify it, and no, I have no idea why this particular dipstick was allowed to return). But it was back for a repeat, complete with a sign about how his art has "changed the face of Christian art." I'm not sure how, unless it's turned Jesus into a shill for crappy art with faux depth. (True story: The guy also has painted pictures of Jesus in the ring, wearing boxing gloves. Beating the devil into submission, no doubt. I'm dubbing that one Rocky Jesus. Yo, Adrian!)

But what you really want to know are what are this year's weiners?

-So you want to play the drums, but are worried that you don't have enough bible verses plastered on your hat, your t-shirt, your pants, your jewelry, and your shoes (to say nothing of your insoles)? Now you can get Stick with Jesus Drumsticks for all your performing needs. I think they come with special powers, so that white people who use them can actually keep the beat.

-And, of course, you want to brush your teeth, but worry that, unless standing there in your Armor of God Pajamas, you might be doing an activity without spiritual value. Not any more, now that you can buy a Jesus Loves Me Toothbrush. Let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth, except it's been brushed by a verse-covered toothbrush.

-For those who are completely incompetent when it comes to music, you can now get karaoke for Christmas carols, called Christmas Caroloke. I know I really struggle trying to remember the tune to "Silent Night."

-One of the big sellers on the floor was The Message Ball -- which is a soccer ball covered with bible verses in very small print. That's it. I'm not kidding. The eager young sales team was tossing them around, and stores seemed to be buying them. Uh, I'm not sure how they would work in an actual game ("I was going to kick it, coach, but suddenly I saw the words 'repent and be baptized,' so I decided then and there to fall to me knees..."), but it certainly made for lively conversation on the floor. Remember the rainbow-haired guy who used to show up with "John 3:16" signs in the endzone of every big game? Now you can take that can-do spiritual attitude onto the field with you, and share the gospel right before kicking somebody in the shins. Yes!

-However, this year's winner of the CBA Golden Weenie Award goes to the I Love Jesus Zipper Pulls! It just wasn't close. The idea of being able to have Christ on your zipper, and to gauge your spirituality by whether or not the zipper is up or down, trumps all the other finalists. So there you have it. Only 163 more shopping days until Christmas! Get your religious crud now!

-chip

Comments

[Jennifer]

O my goodness! I thought we were supposed to bring people to Christ, not run them away screaming from cheesy attempts to force-feed scripture to them. Armor of God pjs? I don't know if I'll stop laughing over those for a looooong time!

~Jen

[Ben]

Thank you for ridiculing the ridiculous, Chip. It needed to be done. Sheesh.

[Melody]

Thanks for pointing out the improving state of the book covers. I'm a graphic designer who's not stepped in a christian bookstore in a while, so that was a pleasant surprise. Someone still needs to have a serious chat with the romance novelists, but the mystery sections are shaping up nicely!

[Richard Mabry]

Thanks for providing your own unique view of ICRS. I always look forward to your report. But please stand a bit further away, so the lightning bolt doesn't hit me as well.

[Brandt Dodson]

"Stand on the Promise" insoles?

As a Podiatrist I can see some merit. But as a normal, rational, thinking human being who can stand erect (so far, anyway) and feed himself with utensils ... are you kidding me?

No wonder we saw the need for CBE. (Sorry. I didn't mean to open that can of worms.)

Thanks Chip!

[Sally Hanan]

Oh, how I love the zipper! I would honestly buy one for my fourteen yr old just for the laugh.

[John Robinson]

Seems to me a fellow who was a bit too quick in working that zipper would give a whole new meaning the phrase "jump up and give a shout to the Lord."

[Danica]

I don't know... the creepiest part was the guy dressed as Jesus. If my kids saw him, they'd have gone running and screaming. Not the effect they were looking for, I'm sure.

[Sandra Bishop]

Yeah, Danica. But Jesus was handing out business cards. You got one, didn't you???

I guess the bigger question is, does he have yours?

[Keri Wyatt Kent]

I once met a mom who told me in all seriousness that her kids have those Armor of God p.j's and how helpful they are spiritually to her kids. I had trouble keeping a straight face. She seemed surprised that I, a Christian author, didn't have any for my kids (or myself). I think she offered to send me a link to the website where I could order them.
And a guy dressed as Jesus? What happened to Bible Man?

[Cheryl B. Lemine]

I've discovered that I'm a weinie, so I guess it's best to confess here.

As a writer and professional, I thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone in wanting to roll my eyes at products I think literally "stretch it" when it comes to scriptural application. (pun intended)

I also want to thank you for calling crappy crappy.

But, I did buy those drumsticks for my experienced 16 year old son who is a percussionist at a school for the performing arts - and not because of what the sticks said, but because they were black. So I guess I'm not totally ready for the funny farm.

[Holly Schurter]

Gosh, Chip, I was enjoying this until you pointed out there are only 163 more shopping days til Christmas . . . where can we find those zipper pulls???

[Kim Burgsma]

That was the best laugh I've had so far this week. I've always had a pet peeve for those who thought if Jesus was stamped on it, it was a worthy Christian witnessing tool. Just 'cause it's sold in a Christian book store, doesn't make it good.

[Sharon A Lavy]

I am assuming those pj's were for children who would enjoy them?

Or not. . .

[Jodi Whisenhunt]

Call me a newbie (I am), but can you tell me the difference between ICRS and CBE? I've asked friends who attended both, and they said the events are similar, except for the cover charge & venue size. I went to CBE and had a great experience, but then again, I'm a newbie!

[chip responds]

Thoughts in response...

1. The pajamas really do exist. They're the "Armor of God" pj's, so they have "RIGHTEOUSNESS" emblazoned across the chest, and "PEACE" on the footies. I feel much more spiritual when I wear them.

2. Praise Panties did as well, but as to Cheryl's comment about "stretching" things... well, the stretch will no doubt depend on the size of the things. If you get my meaning.

3. I didn't see "Bible Man" this year. Word on the street was he got caught in an illicit relationship with Psalty the Singing Songbook. Tsk.

-chip

[chip responds]

Let me clear things up for you, Jodi...

CBA is the Christian Booksellers Association -- the industry trade group that used to sell books, before they discovered Praise Panties, gospel ties, and bad Thomas Kinkade art. We tend to use the term "CBA" to describe the religious book market, whether the book is selling in a Christian store or not (for example, "Will that sell in CBA?").

ICRS is the International Christian Retail Show -- the summer event that invites Christian store owners to come see what's for sale. Publishers, music types, jewelry people, clothing companies, and crappy artists all show up to hawk their wares. We used to call this the "CBA Convention," since the focus was more or less on books. They changed the name when they decided the publishers didn't matter any more; they could make more selling Armor of God Pajamas. (Note: this is also when CBA stores started closing left and right. Hmm... maybe there's a connection... Naw! CBA going under just as we start selling more Christian books than ever through new channels? Just a coincidence!)

CBE was the Christian Book Expo -- this was the well-intentioned but ill-fated book show produced in Dallas by Christian publishers. It was a great idea, but it wasn't marketed well, lost a bunch of money, and probably won't happen again.

The Golden Weenie -- this is the prestigious award given to the worst piece of junk at ICRS by the venerable and sainted Dr Chip MacGregor on his blog.

[Ellen]

Wow, I'm exhausted trying to process visuals for all this crap. No more Chip...please.

[Robert Treskillard]

Chip, thanks for the hilarious post! We can always count on you to keep us informed of the latest developments in Christian retail.

Maybe we should get you a whip for next year's ICRS. But of course, we'd have to print a Bible verse on it about Jesus and the money-changers! ;-)

[Lynette Eason]

ROFL! Thanks for the visuals, Chip. I hope Revell will send me next year to ICRS, I would love to go. Anyway, enjoyed seeing you this past weekend. Thanks for speaking up so I could hear you. LOL. I had a blast at the conference and do hope you'll wind up there again next year!

[Rachel Hauck]

ROFLOL! You are funny in the same way as a Seinfeld. Taking life observations, finding the absurdity and sharing it in a dry, comical manner that hits home.

R

[Sandi]

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. My husband and I are always making fun of "Jesus Junk" as he calls it, so I just had to forward this onto him. Thanks, Chip!
Sandi

[Cindy Thomson]

My husband was wondering why I didn't ask you about the "Jesus junk" when we saw you. I'll have him read this. He was looking forward to hearing who won! :)

[Deb Kinnard]

This Jesus Junk thing is no doubt why they haven't room for the books I want in my local Christian bookstore?

I know! We'll create a franchise of stores, call it Just Jesus Junk, stock ALL of it (including the zipper pulls, but I'll probably close my eyes when I order those), and let the Christian bookstores return to the business of selling BOOKS!

No? Okay, then.

[Dana Mentink]

Well first, I hope some of the 'new covers' will make those Amish books look unique. Currently they all seem to feature the young pious woman in the white hat looking wistfully off into the field.

Two, the Armour of God pajamas was just TOO funny. You couldn't make stuff like that up! Thanks for sharing, Chip.

[Christy Scannell]

And then Christians wonder why they're so beaten up in the media?

But it's not just American Protestants -- I have a way-cool blue glitter-covered Virgin Mary statuette I got in Italy (yes, there was a choice of glitter colors). Oh, and a charm bracelet with pope heads.

[San]

My fave was your comment about forgetting the tune to Silent Night. Before I got to that point I was chuckling, but when I hit that line, I laughed out loud.

The most unbelievable to me is the praise panties. Oh, puh-lease.

[Jim]

I am now totally convinced, the whole "Jesus Business coupled with BTC "Big Time Christians" is really quite silly. Talk about a "millstone around your neck"....Thanks Chip for pointing out what we all feared. Pastorperneurs are starting to make a mockery of the Lord. It makes the old hymn "were you there?" ripe with new meaning..

[Danica]

Sandra, I did not get his card, nor did I leave mine. I have small children to protect.

[Becky Johnson]

LOL funny, Chip. You have to write a humor book before you die if you've not done so yet.

[Rachel]

Ahhh, these are always refreshing to read. Thanks for sharing, Chip.

But my favorite item from the show was the doll with a heart on its chest that illuminates to reveal a tiny Jesus figure inside. Can you imagine giving something this creepy to a child? Is Jesus a heartworm? "No Mommy, I don't want Jesus in my heart! He scares me!"

[Faith]

*sigh*

And I thought 'TestaMints' was the worst of the 'Christian crap' out there... the soccer ball & the toothbrush sound far worse. Okay, they all do. Ugh. It almost makes me glad I don't work in a Christian bookstore and have to sell this stuff anymore.