Thinking about ACFW

Wow. You won't believe how LUCKY I am. In yesterday's mail, I received a query letter in which the author "guaranteed" me his book is "literally going to sell a billion books worldwide." Zowie! And he can back up such a wild promise with "1200 Bible verses synergistically harmonized by the Lord God Himself." Holy cow. (If you haven't received an answer to prayer lately, it's probably because God has been synergistically harmonizing this guy's verses.) He also noted he has "literally spent the last 13 years doing 14 hours of research per day," making me think he might need to bone up on the usage of the word "literally." He told me his book is both "the final word on the Trinity" and "the Suprascientific Theory of Everything." Yowzer. He then promised to make me "a hundred million dollars -- easy," and noted "this is the chance of a hundred lifetimes." He closed with a personal aside, saying, "I hope you're ready for the big time." I decided I'm not -- the whole suprascientific thing makes we shudder. I am not worthy!

And aren't I the lucky one? I also received a proposal for "104 prophetic poems that have been dictated to me" AND a "fiction novel" about portals between earth and heaven, that includes a "giant race of people living in the mountains of California," that the author notes is "based on historical fact and my own experiences." 

Wait, there's a lesson here. I wrote to each of these people, to tell them they need to research agents before querying, and that their writing needed help (I left off any notes about "and be sure to take your meds"). But in each case the author wrote me back a nasty note. So, yeah -- though these people can't write, and don't know how to approach an agent, they feel they know much more about the business than I do. I mention this because there are some great writing conferences coming up soon, and maybe if you're starting out, you'd find it helpful to attend. 

The American Christian Fiction Writers annual conference is happening next week in Denver. I'll be there -- I've long said ACFW is the best conference in the country for commercial fiction writers. Good speakers, good sessions, and a well-organized conference in a nice setting. If you're going to be there, make sure to say hello. Bestselling romance novelist Debbie Macomber is delivering the keynote, and there are a ton of workshops and breakout sessions. I'm doing a couple workshops (one on writers mentoring writers, the other on "the future of publishing"), and I always enjoy the social times at ACFW. Plus I get to wear my kilt at the annual awards banquet on Saturday night. (I'm doing the Blackwatch this year instead of the traditional MacGregor tartan -- so if you're coming, you now have another reason to go on living.)

Talk of the conference reminds me that I've had a number of letters from people asking about the value of conferences and workshops. I think writers' conferences are a wonderful way to meet people, get exposed to the industry, gain some helpful information, and remind yourself that you're not alone in this crazy business. It's also a great place to meet agents and editors face-to-face -- many experienced writers will tell you that the bulk of what they learned about the industry early in their careers came through attending writing conferences, where they met people, heard stories, and had a lot of basic information explained to them. I can tell you that a number of the authors I represent are people I first met at a conference. So if you have a chance to attend, by all means you should go. 

At the same time, I think the value of conferences can diminish for experienced authors. That's why I encourage people who have published to do three things... First, attend a conference as a mentor, not just as participant. Use a conference as a way to give back, to share your knowledge, and to encourage a fellow writer who isn't quite as far along the path. You probably had people invest in your writing career when you were starting out -- here's your chance to do the same with someone else. Second, find a mentor or writing partner. For an experienced writer, a critique group may not be quite as valuable as finding one person whose judgment you trust; who will read your material and give you straight answers about what works and what doesn't. Third, consider a more in-depth workshop or seminar to boost your knowledge. The fact that Donald Maass is doing a shortened version of his "Writing the Breakout Novel" seminar at ACFW this year is fabulous. If you're a published author, consider attending the full-blown version. Or maybe take in McKee's "Story" workshop. A good, advanced-level seminar can be extremely helpful for those who don't feel they're getting much out of the one-hour workshops at a conference. 

And yes, I have a reason for tell you that... I've been working with Jim Rubart, a longtime marketing consultant, to create an advanced marketing seminar just for novelists. We'll be announcing it at ACFW, but this fall and next summer we'll be hosting small groups of writers in a handful of cities for two days, focused exclusively on developing fiction marketing techniques that are specific to each author and their books. More on this in a later post. 

You can also find good info on the web, of course. Make sure to check out the popular  www.publishingperspectives.com . My friend Jason Ilian put me on to them recently, and I've become a big fan. Novelist Brandt Dodson introduced me to another good site:  www.bookbusinessmag.com . These folks have been on a roll -- great thoughts on the future of the industry. One blog I've become addicted to is LIsa Delay's www.lifeasprayer.wordpress.com , which I really enjoy. 

Um, in case you haven't heard, I hurt my back and neck. Patti and I are moving (we finally bought a place at the beach), and I celebrated by showing off my testosterone and wrestling the washing machine into the truck. Bad mistake. I wound up in the ER, and now I'm taking drugs and can't lift anything heavier than a pencil. It sucks, and I'm cranky, but more than anything I'm mad. Mad at myself for thinking my 150-lb body could wrangle a washer up a ramp and into a truck by myself. Mad at Sears for making such a heavy washing machine. Mad at Jerry Jenkins for not calling me and invited me to represent his latest million seller so I wouldn't have to even OWN a washing machine -- I could just toss my clothes into a corner and the laundry fairies would show up and magically make them shiny again. Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm on serious painkillers. So if you don't like anything in this post, blame it on the drugs. 

Comments

[Rebecca Stuhlmiller]

Haha. Oh, wait! I'm not laughing about your injury and meds, of course. I do hope you're feeling better soon because I'm flying to Seattle next week just to hear you at the NWCWA meeting. And, it's all about me...

I'm snickering about your wild queries. Recently, I was teaching a class at church and was introduced as a writer. (Really, I'm a speaker and NEW writer.) Later, another writer introduced himself to me. Told me he's working on something about being a spy for Jesus and how the tsunami was God's judgment on the people of one island because... I forget what else he said. Now that I'm pursuing this calling, I'm amazed at how many writers are out there. I had no idea.

But, seriously, can't wait to hear you next week, and I literally hope and pray you are healed soon!

[Gina Logue]

Chip, you are so funny even while in pain and under meds.
Take care and hope you get well soon! And thanks for this informative post.

Gina

[Merrie Destefano]

ACFW sounds like it will be fabulous this year. Wish I was going.

I loved your wacky queries! I've had my share too. One woman sent me a book proposal about sexual abuse [the content was really strange and disjointed] when I was a magazine editor. Not sure how she thought a magazine editor could help her publish a book.

Sorry you're not feeling well. I hope you feel better soon. [praying for you.]

[Elisa]

Chip, I teach academic writing to college freshmen. The backbone of the course is analyzing the rhetorical situation (purpose, audience, genre, credibility, etc.) of a text, and teaching students to figure out their own situation when taking on any writing task, be it a shopping list or a ten-page research paper.

I've had them write everything from personal ads to the ever-popular "Why-I-Want-to-Have-Dinner-with... (insert fave celebrity here)". These exercises all get them to think beyond themselves or "writing for the grade".

How I would love to show them some of the query letters that agents receive!

I think writing query letters is no easy task. I've made a lot of mistakes and so appreciate the feedback on agents' blogs such as yours. It can only help the aspiring author.

If only the ones who need it most read them as well.

Thank you again for another informative post.

[Charise]

Feel better. Hire movers. And did you catch which mountains the giants live in? I live in some California mountains and have enough problems just dealing with raccoons.

[Daniel Smith]

Thanks Chip! I needed a bit of dry humor to help me end my day well.

And as a fellow sufferer of back-related ailments (my father had to have FIVE surgeries before he passed away) I pray your back will heal soon.

[Richard Mabry]

Chip, I'll look for you at ACFW. I presume you'll be the guy walking in the shape of a parenthesis open mark while the pills in your pocket rattle. Your note reminds me of a "get-well" card we bought today: Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never heard of morphine. Seriously, get well soon. See you at altitude.

[Becky Johnson]

Forget agenting. (And send all your clients to Greg.) Just write a humor book while taking whatever drugs you are on. Guaranteed! You'll sell a Bazillion copies!

Seriously, I laughed out loud several times...

[Wendy]

Chip,
I’m going to go on the hope that you’re on enough painkillers you believe you met me at that conference (futuristically speaking, of course), loved my query and were more than enthused about learning more about my writing. I know it will be a fantastic conference and I’m a little choked up to miss it. Hope you heal soon, but not enough to get off the meds…that’s my ticket. Literally. :D

[Robert Treskillard]

Ten points for doing something worthwhile when you were injured.

All I did was sleep on my shoulder and when I woke up, I couldn't move it for two days.

Hope you're feeling better soon, Chip!

[AW]

No one better to do that with than Jimby! Feel better, Chip. And when you do, send me the leftovers of the Percocet.

[twitter.com/frydwords]

Chip,
I pray your back bounces back quickly. I don't think that sounded right but I do wish you a speedy recovery.

Oh, and those fairies that clean the laundry? Yeah - they're on strike. I know this because: Picture 8 days of dirty laundry x 7 family members raised to the power of one defunct washer = my family's Labor Day circus

And as of 4 hours ago, the verdict is in - the washer is officially deceased. Say, if you're still on the outs with yours, can we have it?

Wait! Don't go!! While I have your attention, I have this book idea that will make you a bazillionaire ... its all about a guy with a magical washer that spins gold out of clothes and ... you do accept speculative fantasy memoir queries right?

Looking forward to saying hello @ ACFW but I'll refrain from slapping you on the back. :-)

[Irene Hannon]

Your comment about the diminished value of large conferences for experienced authors is very true. You mentioned a couple of advanced workshops--Donald Maass I know, haven't heard of McKee's. Maybe you could do a post sometime with specific suggestions for advanced workshops.

[Katherine Anne Dawn]

Sometimes I just can't believe that people can be so unprofessional... it just amazes me.

Anyway, I found your site through the Write to Publish conference site and so far I am loving it! Your articles are very informative, which is just what I need right now, so I just wanted to thank you.

~ Katherine Anne

[Cindy Thomson]

Love those fiction novels! They're so much better than the non fiction novels!

[Lisa Jordan]

Dear Mr. Laube,

God told me to write this post to let you know your washing machine lifting days are over. Because, you see, when I hand you my ten-page quary ledder in the men's room, you will be eager to read my 1000 page manuscript called Streets of Gold about my time in Heaven with Elvis and Michael Jackson, and you will be so amazed, you'll want to represent me on the spot. After all, this autobiographical novel written in iambic pentameter will sell millions and you'll be able to hire someone to move your washing machine for you.

Oh, no, don't thank me now in your column. After all, no one reads it. Go ahead and take out a full page add in the New York Times when you handle my marketing campaign. After all, that's what you do best.

Sincerely,

I. M. Kidding

P.S. In all sincerity, I'll be praying your back heals in time for the conference.

[Colleen Coble]

I snickered all the way through this, Chip, but I'm sorry you hurt your back! Loved your advice to experienced authors. Giving back is way better than just soaking in. I LOVE conference time. Highlight of my year. I love to continue to learn, love to connect with friends--new and old--and love to rub elbows with professionals like you. Can't wait!

In July I heard Michael Hauge teach his The Hero's 2 Journeys and I've been on a one-woman crusade to get every fiction writer to buy his dvd or go to one of his seminars. We've got to get him for ACFW at some point. It was truly career-changing. This year Allen Arnold and Karen Ball are going to do a killer morning track for professional writers.

I'll stick some drugs in my pocket in case you need them. :-) See you soon!

[Sharon A Lavy]

My husband's back goes out every few years now with nothing more than reaching down to tie his shoes. So please take care of yourself!

I sincerely hope that your back is better in time for ACFW conference!

[Lynn Rush]

Oh gosh. I'm sorry about your back. Hang in there. Those are painful injuries, but you'll get better. :-) I'll be prayin'.

See you in Denver.

[Stevie Rey]

Lordy Chip, I just wish in my wildest dreams I could see 150 lbs again. Like Twelfth grade Calculus, gone forever. Said a prayer for your back, man. Feel better.

Steve

[Cheryl Barker]

Hope you feel better soon -- but ya gotta love it when you can blame everything on the pain meds :)

[John Robinson]

"...blame it on the drugs."

That was my motto way back in my college days (before the earth's crust had completely cooled). It worked then, and could probably work now.

PS: regarding the kilt? Great legs, man (I know; I've seen 'em). Srsly.

[Carla Stewart]

Chip, I'm so sorry about your injury, but glad you will still make the conference. I'm also intrigued by the advanced marketing workshops you and Jim Rubart are putting together . . . coming to a town near you. Hope to be able to make one of those.

Safe travels.

[Linda M Au]

It's hilarious that you're writing snide emails to people while doped up on pain meds. Let me know when the civil suits start pouring in.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=611074446]

I was actually buying this whole bit until the disclaimer at the end, then I saw through this entire sham. This isn't really an issue of some crazy and their lack of meds, it's instead a situation brought on by someone who is in fact taking their meds,you! It's YOU who came up with the synergistically harmonized scripture theory and the new species inhabiting the west and you presented them as proposals to Jerry Jenkins' agent who flat out called you a loon. So now you're trying to pass them off as material sent to you. Oh, I've got your number, buddy boy. So you told him this was going to sell BILLIONS? Haha! Priceless! And from you of all people. This washer episode just may be fit material for Jenkins' blog. You know the agent told him.

[Robin Archibald]

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, Chip, and am pretty used to your frustrated rants about the submissions you get. So I was reading sympathetically along, commiserating, and almost spewed Assam all over my keyboard when I got to “and be sure to take your meds.”
Thanks, I needed a laugh on this dreary day (it’s raining here in PA).
Yes, all wannabe writers MUST attend writers conferences. I am still mortified that at my first writers conference several years ago I made an appt. with you and wasted your time. It was my first conference, and I had no idea what I was doing. The conference director mistakenly thought I was much farther along with a project than I was and wanted me to meet with several editors and agents. I didn’t know enough to tell her I was no where near ready. Boy, did I learn from that experience!

You make me want to attend ACFW. So far I've only been to local confs. And your advanced marketing seminar sounds exciting. Maybe I'll be ready for it when you bring it to the east coast.

[Angela Breidenbach]

Thank you for your support of ACFW!
See you there.
Angie
http://www.MyGemofWisdom.com

[Cheryl B. Lemine]

That medicine must come with the side benefit of hallucinations but if not it's nice to know that it's ok to be silly, too, as an adult.

Back injuries, of course, aren't laughing material, but I did see the laundry fairies this week. They asked for directions to your house, so they should arrive soon! As well as more strength and less pain regarding your injury.

Maybe you should come to our beaches in Jacksonville, FL to rest for a while!

[Janet Ursel]

Hmm, the cranky agent gets the queries from the cranks who respond to his helpful advice with cranky emails... I'm detecting a pattern here.

Despite the challenges, this was a great post.

How would you rate the Mount Hermon conference compared to the ACFW? Both of them are so far away for me, I'd have to choose just one if I could ever go. At least until they start offering to fly me in... (A girl can dream, can't she?)

[The Rhyming Prophet]

Chip,

A few months ago I may have been the one to contact you about the 104 prophetic poems. I mentioned that I could not take credit for them as a poet because they are inspired in minutes with a sense of being "dictated". Paragraphs of prophetic rhyme would take time to formulate not minutes. These inspired words are a spiritual gift of prophesy. My point was if a person takes time to formulate, then the words are not from a divine source.I have accurately written about the economic crash in May 2008 to hit by Oct 3, 2008 and that is when the bailout was signed, election results, turn of the market in April 09 and many other events. I have been educated at Northeastern University and Harvard in the northeast and close to my doctorate. I have been in leadership since age 16 starting a 500 member church at that time and in church leadership throughout 38 years.I recommend you educate yourself regarding those spiritual giftings before making fun of them and especially having my comments in your search engine. Perhaps it was for me to return here to tell you I am on disability as an ICU nurse and lifted a 300 pound patient in 1991 and have 13 herniated discs (a major back injury)and neuropathy. How unfortunate for your recent back injury and pray it may enlighten you to inform yourself before making fun of people. If you are truly here to help then be helpful. If to be loud, prideful and popular then you will not prosper. You reap what you sow. Read scripture and less manuscripts.

I request all born again, spirit filled believers, writers and poets to leave comments regarding the gift of prophesy for Mr.Mac Gregor and ask him for a formal apology against me.Let the church unite.
The next 3 years opportunities like this will try our faith as a church and family.

Be blessed and I pray your back heals,
Sept 12, 2009
The Rhyming Prophet

[Brandt Dodson]

Verses synergistically harmonized by God? Will sell billions worldwide?

Gee, sounds like this fellow has written The Bible. But wait, hasn't that already been done?

[chip responds]

Mr Rhyming Poet - I don't really believe your poetry is inspired. I don't think they were "dictated" to you by angels. And while you may very well have the gift of prophecy... well, if you knew about the crash, I wish you'd have told me so that I could have gotten out and saved myself a lot of money. So let's just say I'm leery of people claiming to be prophets.

However, if you'd spent five minutes looking at my website, you'd have discovered that I don't represent poetry. It states that clearly on my site. So even if you had prophetic, inspired poetry that was dictated to you by the Archangel Gabriel, I wouldn't represent it because I'm not an agent for poetry. And THAT'S why you got mentioned.

Having said that, thanks for the prayers for my neck and back.
-Chip

[Robbie Iobst]

My husband is not a writer, but he loves humor. So of course, I read this post out loud to him. Sorry about your pain, but drug-taking Chip brought some sweet laughter into our home. Thanks!

[Rita Gerlach]

Chip, I'm sorry about your injuries. I hope you feel better soon. As far as the queries you mentioned, I'm speechless. I can't wait to hear more about the marketing seminar.

[terri tiffany]

Sorry about the injury! Ouch! But what I got most out of this post is even though they were some strange queries, you were a decent guy and offered them some advice.
Hope to make it to ACFW conference next year and I hope it won't be in Denver then. Last time I went there for CBA, ended up in the ER with altitude sickness. Passing out on during Sunday morning worship service wasn't too cool.

[Rachel Hauck]

Another great, drug-induced post... um, er, was that a secret?

Hope to see you at ACFW. Praying for you. And, you'll be happy to know after reading your response to those queries, I've decided not to pitch you my Amazon Woman meets Gabriel idea. Rats. Back to the drawing board.

R