12 Deep Thoughts from my Mailbox

So I went to check my mailbox today. In it was....

1. A proposal with a cover letter that starts with the words, "Firstly and most importantly..."

2. An incoherent sci-fi book proposal (even though it says clearly on my website that I don't do sci-fi) that was something about children, dogs, demons, and a white vase. No idea what the story was, although I'm sure it had deep meaning. 

3. A proposal from a guy whose mailing address is a correctional facility.

4. Two action-adventure novels,  neither any good, and both sent to me by people who haven't spent five minutes on my website to figure out who I am or what I'm looking for. One began with the words, "Dear Agent." The other had my name, and began with the words, "You probably won't like this, but..."

5. A nonfiction book by a guy who claims that to become a Jesuit priest you have to murder a protestant (um... I'm not making that up).

6. One very nice card from an author.

7. Random business crap (apparently every bank on earth wants to offer me a credit card).

8. A letter from the AARP. NO KIDDING. THE AAR-frickin'-P! Like they think I'm old or something.

9. Two new books I represented -- Lisa Samson's wonderful new novel RESURRECTION IN MAY, and Chad Gibbs' hilarious look at the role of faith and fanaticism in SEC football, entitled GOD AND FOOTBALL. 

10. And a letter from a woman who sent me an unsolicited proposal for a book about her abortion. I sent back a short note saying that the book she's created won't sell, that there's no market for the book she is proposing. Her response was to send me this note:

Hatcheting? Demolishing slowly? Destruction? Is that not your very identity? Your cruelty oozes. Do you perpetrate this innate meanness onto other writers? You haven't so much as read my work; yet audaciously, as though a God, predict its death. How dare you! You should be immensely worried about who you are. There is no call to be gross and ugly toward those who submit. Has your speck of position in the Universe ruined you so that you treat subordinately those who come to you with their hearts wide open for acceptance, and encounter your attempts to destroy their precious sensitive dreams? Your behavior does not go unnoticed by a Power higher than you. Believe it or not, Chippy, you're a pebble, like all of us. There is no reason to leave a cruel path behind your life; except that it must in some distorted way satisfy you; and that speaks volumes about the state of your being. By choice, you attempt to wound, and my knowledge of such things is that what you give, you receive in return. When it comes; remember me. Meanwhile, I shall continue to market my book. However manners and kindness are garnished into a life, is where you absolutely need to be.

Wow. Yes -- how DARE I reject an unsolicited idea that was sent to me! It gives me a god-like feeling to say to an author, "Nobody will buy this book." I am Chippy -- FEAR ME! Of course, I was completely impressed with her purple prose. And, as you can imagine, deeply wounded by her calling me "Chippy." (sniff. honk!) So now I feel terribly guilty for having told someone who was basically asking me for my opinion that her book won't sell. From now on I'll only say nice things to people about their books, no matter how bad they are. Even if there's absolutely no hope for a project, I'll just look at the author and smile and say, "Fabulous! You are God's gift to the writing world!" 

Okay, not really. I wrote back and told her she might not be tough enough for the writing biz yet. And she may want to check into counseling. 

11. And while I'm on the subject of stupid people, have you noticed the new marketing tool companies are using of dropping random notes into the "comments" section of a blog? I recently got this comment after my post about writing conferences: Your blog picture, I like it very much, so have a pure heart, the children stood in the bustling fidgety city.

At first I thought he'd been smoking his crack pipe while reading my blog, then I realized his address was "Buy Viagra." It fits it well with the other two recent comments I've had: The house is the place for you people! With it we are free from sun and wind! You speak very good! It enjoys popular support! Now we all need a house!  and Keep up the good work. I fell in love with the wood tables and wanted them for my school. 

I was thrilled to know we are free from sun and wind, and I'm sure the wooden tables are great, but since my post had nothing to do with either topic, I had to wonder what possessed these people to write. Both of these come from morons pushing Air Jordans (probably in fidgety cities). I think this is a great new concept, since all of us online are totally interested in seeing people drop by to sell us products. We just don't get enough of that on TV and radio and via internet commercials. 

12. BUT, if you're looking for some places where you might actually go just to enjoy the writing, let me suggest you visit two sites. www.jennybjones.com is the website of YA author Jenny B Jones, and it consistently makes me snort coffee through my nose. www.lisamckaywriting.wordpress.com

 is the site for Lisa McKay, an Aussie who has lived all over the world, but has just moved to Laos and is chronicling her new life. It's literate, funny, and very well-written stuff. Both authors have won awards for their writing (Lisa is the author of the cult hit MY HANDS CAME AWAY RED), so check them out. 

It's cloudy and in the 60's on the Oregon coast today. We just haven't had the scorching summer the rest of the country has gone through. Maybe I'll walk down to the beach and contemplate my speck of position in the universe so that I can be nicer. In my next life. 

Comments

[Todd Rutherford]

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks, Chippy!

[Scott]

The person, who replied to your rejection was hilarious! I imagine that she was trying to awe you with her poetic prose; showing you what you missed out on. LOL

[yarnbuck]

Speck? Pebble? And only days after posting on metaphors. Obviously an omen.

[Mesmerix]

Is that not your very identity, Chippy!

If she were a humor writer, this would be almost brilliant. But not.

Appreciate the laugh, and sorry you have to deal with these people.

[Michael Hyatt]

So this post really cracked me up, especially the note from the lady who wrote on abortion. What you told her was an empirical fact. I have published many of these through the years and lost money on every single one, except the first one which did only modestly well.

Keep the faith!

[Brandt Dodson]

Firstly and most importantly, Chippy, I wrote this science fiction novel about a murderous Jesuit priest while serving 5-20, and I think it's unusually cruel for you to take your spec of position in life and stone my dream to death.

Wow! So you think counseling would actually work?

[Angie B.]

Which is worse, Chippy or Agent? This post certainly inspires me to work on garnishing manners and kindness. Thanks for the laugh!

[Heather Sunseri]

Very funny post!

Lisa McKay's book was on the list of my favorite reads last year (I think I read it last year). I haven't visited her website in a while and had no idea she had started a blog. I will definitely pay her a visit.

[Katie Ganshert]

Just for the record...you don't want to be called Chippy?

[Teri D. Smith]

Wow. Who knew what the poor agents of the universe had to put up with!

If you don't like Chippy, could we call you Agent Pebble?

[Aprmack.blogspot.com]

My husband is 25, and since we were in college he's been getting offers in the mail from AARP and other "old people" companies. The mail keeps following us, even when we move. Recently he's been getting offers from funeral homes, all of which excitingly offer "a free cremation!" (Exclamation point included.) *face-palm*

As for the spam commenters, I see that all of the time on other blogs I read, particularly home decor blogs (which might explain the tables comment you received). Sometimes they'll even copy/paste a real comment posted by someone else and slip in links to their products. The sneaky little devils!

Also, I can't believe you told the woman to seek counseling. I was an editorial assistant for the past two years (left it a month ago when my husband's job took us overseas) and was responsible for the slush pile. You have no idea how many times I wish I could have said something so bold! I envy you.

I was going to suggest SlushPile Hell, but you probably get enough humor from your own inbox that you wouldn't need this for a laugh.

[Sue Harrison]

Sounds like another sad day at the mailbox.

So I am not the only one getting inundated with those strange Blog messages. For a few bright moments I dared to believe I had become inordinately popular... Ah well, another life lesson. Everybody has something to sell.

I think I already knew that.

[Aprmack.blogspot.com]

Hm, link didn't work. Here it is: http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com

[Bonnie S. Calhoun]

Hmmm...I think I'm going to have to work a character like that woman into a novel. It could be a twist on the old "Play Misty For Me." The movie tagline was, "The scream you hear may be your own!"

I think it could be a bestseller to old people in prison that relish -ly adjectives, lost their white vases to alien abductions, are ticked off about not getting their AARP applications because they're being funneled to "young" people.

Maybe you're lucky the other person called you "Dear Agent" at least they don't know who you are to stalk you for rebuking them :-)

[derrick.tribble]

I'm just hoping that wacko lady doesn't read your blog ... she might be the one sending you all that spam.

[Danica]

That's all good and well, but you STILL haven't answered my question about WHY you won't accept proposals from people in prison. I have a lot riding on your answer, so you need to get to it already. :)

[Lisa McKay]

That is AWESOME. Not just the part where you called my book a cult hit (though that put a smile on my face) but the part where she calls you Chippy and tells you that you are a pebble. A pebble. Every time I think about that, I laugh. And it brings to mind a recent incident that I had with a pebble... a real one. Maybe I'll blog about that this week.

[Lynette Eason]

You'll always be Chippy now, you do realize that, don't you?

[Lisa McKay]

I wrote the pebble story today and posted it. I couldn't resist.

[Heather]

I have to admit, though the woman was off in sending you such a response, your callous attitude made me cringe. Would you publicly call others 'stupid?'

And, I can't think of any better way for someone in a correctional institute to redeem their time than to invest in writing.

This post wasn't funny at all to me.

Heather

[Jennifer King]

Oh my. I laughed hard. I think I'm related to a few folks who pitch out words like that. Laughter is the best medicine, always. Thanks, Chip.

[Gina Conroy]

Trying to come up with a clever response to this post which had me snorting coffee through my nose (figuratively speaking, of course,) but I used all my creativity writing early this morning! Yep, actually got in 280 new words!

[Jaime Wright Sundsmo]

Lovin' it!

[katdish]

Ah, the spammers are clever aren't they? My favorite so far has been the guy who is being held prisoner by the Russian mafia (Viagra), and they will kill him (Viagra)if I don't approve his comment. (Viagra)

Great! Now I've got THAT on my conscious...

[Theresa Lode]

Firstly, I'm hurt. I thought Dining Room Table and I had a special thing going.
Signed,
A fellow pebble

[KarynBrownlee]

Hilarious! Thanks for the great addition to my morning coffee break, Chippy. ;)

[Lori Lowe]

Hysterical. Especially how she misuses the semicolon while attempting to be dramatically insulting: When it comes; remember me.

Every time I see a pebble, I'll think of you and smile.

[Sooz]

O dearest oozer of cruelty, that was tonic to my weary mind. Way too funny. Thanks. And please, please don't allow anyone to call you Chippy. They can call you Agent or Pebble or the Simon Cowell of Publishing, but not Chippy. I don't like it.

[Laura Droege]

If it's any consolation, I got an AARP card in the mail on the same day I received a Huggies diaper sample. Hm. I'm 32: I don't need either diapers or the AARP (although a senior citizen's discount might be nice).

I hope #6, #9 and #12 made up for the awful mail!

[Ane Mulligan]

Now that I can breathe again after laughing so hard I fell off my exercise ball/chair, I can say I loved this post. I also absolutely adored Lisa Samson's Resurrecting May. It's a great book, one of her best.

Thanks for the laugh, Chip.

[Tricia]

That settles it. When I begin to query, you are first on the list, because I know you'll give it to me straight. Why waste precious time fielding rejections when I can get the cold, hard facts right from the beginning?

If you told me I suck and have no talent, or my book won't sell no matter how good it is, I might try a few other agents for good measure, but at least I had someone who cared enough not to sugar coat for me.

You are a rare gem (pebble?) indeed. I love your blog because you are so blunt. Keep it real, Chippy.

[Amy Sorrells]

Just snorted coffee through my nose (more than once), and now going to contemplate my pebble-like life. Thanks, Chippy!

[chip responds]

Hey, thanks for all the nice notes. And Lisa McKay, who I referenced in the blog, was so inspired she even did her own post on "pebbles." (She's from Australia, so she wont' know Pebbles was Fred Flintstone's daughter. Alas.) Two things to point out:

1. I'm not down on letters from men in prison, Danica. But... an agent goes to his mailbox hoping to see something good and salable. Can't you imagine the eye roll when seeing a letter from a correctional institution? I mean, how do I SELL that to a publisher? ("This guy won't exactly be available for signings...") It's just funny, that's all.

2. And Heather, you may need to lighten up. If you'll look closely, you'll see I never called the lady stupid, I was polite in my response to her, told the truth -- nobody will buy her book idea. It was my NEXT point that I called stupid -- the people who insert (viagra) random notes into comments of my blog (Air Jordans!). But yes, if something was stupid, I'd call it stupid. Publicly or privately, I suppose. And no, I don't see any biblical mandate that urges me not to say, "Boy, that's stupid" when something is, in fact, stupid. But just a reminder: this is sometimes a humor blog. If you can't laugh, you probably won't like it much.

[Sharon]

I agree with Heather. I laughed all the way through this post, including the surprising but passionate response from the young woman who wants to write about her abortion. I stopped laughing, however, at your response Chip. I was surprised by the retaliatory nature of your response and believe many of the comments here are a bit more targeted toward creating a bond at her expense rather than being helpful.
We (as in human beings) are bigger than this.

[Nan Jones]

And I thought I had a hard day! I am 55 and I STILL throw away AARP info. Thanks for a good laugh and thank God you have thick skin. What this pastor's wife/writer really wants to say is, "Welcome to ministry!"
Bless you!

[Jill]

Great post! The best laugh I had all day.

[Selina R. Gonzalez]

'THE AAR-frickin'-P! Like they think I'm old or something.'
If you're young enough to put 'frickin' in the middle of an abbreviation, I say you're plenty young enough!

You know, the sad thing is, spammers aren't paying ANY attention! Do they really think that by using grammar like THAT on an literary agent's blog, someone's going to bite? Almost funny, really...

[henya]

Oh my goodness....and you actually took the time to reply to this woman. I guess the temptation was just too hard to resist.

[Bethany]

Holy.everything.

It's almost like there's so much to say to the indignant "writer" that there's no logical point from which to begin. I am full. Thank you.

Seriously, it's five in the morning and I'm holding my face with both my hands in an attempt not to wake my husband with laughter.

[Alison Strobel Morrow]

Hey now, Chip, be nice about the correctional facility guy. Haven't we all made mistakes? Is it impossible that he's now redeemed and that he's a great writer?

And, friend to friend, I think maybe posting that one woman's response to you for all the world to see was going a bit far. That was personal correspondence to you, and heaven knows if I were writing something to you personally I would NOT expect it to be splashed on your blog for all the world to see--and if I *did* expect it to be, I'd likely write it differently, or not write at all.

But the rest of the stuff you post--Hi-larious.

[Larry Shallenberger]

I'm reading point 10 and realizing that I missed a trick. When you passed on that proposal I sent you I should have sent you a missive on your role as dream-eater.

Oh, well. At least you didn't "God told me to write this book..." today.

[Candace Pope]

Dear Speck,
Thanks again for this very helpful web site and blog. (sniff, honk)
Candace

[Lisa]

"Chippy"

Oh. My. Gawd.

Somehow that woman's lunacy gave me hope. Probably b/c I feel better when I laugh!

Thanks for sharing that!

Oh, and, I've gotten those blog replies too.
"I have enjoyed your depth on this subject, and have studied it much too. Does the flower fail the night." -GoodforWood.com
(that sort of thing)