The Dark Files

Tim wrote to ask, "So what's the worst stuff you've been sent this past week?"

1. A guy sent me a proposal this week detailing how we can reduce the instances of sexual abuse and the problems caused by adultery in our culture. His solution? Voluntary castration. No, I'm not kidding. Huge appeal in THAT idea. Though I suppose it would, um, trim the problem. (Sorry.) A very circumspect idea, don't you think? 

2. A woman sent me a very brief query to tell me she has written a 20,000-word memoir (that alone gets me all excited -- just think of all those popular 80-page books you've been buying) about "the times I brought drugs to school." Very uplifting.

3. One poet (YES! A POET!) sent me a book of "poems about anti-terrorism." Really. And it's only 607 pages long. REALLY. 

4. One proposal began by warning me that "the next 27 pages  will forever change your thoughts on reality as it truly is, either now, or when it’s too late; and that is because the beginning of the end has arrived for all civilization." Amazingly, my thoughts weren't changed after reading his work. 

5. One gent sent me a query that's in ALL CAPS (a sure sign an author's brain cells are running low) to ask, "ARE YOU A REAL AGENT? A REAL AGENT DOESN'T TURN DOWN ANYONE AND IF YOU ARE YOU CAN GET ME THE BOOK DEAL I WANT." Great. An expert. Nothing like a man who knows his own mind. Or what's left of it.

6. Here is the opening sentence from one fabulous project I received this week: "The time has come for us all as human beings to closely examine ourselves through only the words of God without the opposite words of man that only distort absolute truth concerning all of humanity." I'm sure he's deep. I still have NO idea what he just said. 

7. One more, taken from a novel pitch: "In the tradition of the movie Left Behind with McCauley Caulkin where a boy is left to fend for himself..." Um... It's "Culkin." And that wasn't "Left Behind," that was "Home Aone." And that was a movie that was intentionally funny, whereas the "Left Behind" movie was just stupendously bad, and therefore funny. (I was working at the agency that represented it, and we got an advanced showing. I still remember standing up, turning to one of my co-workers, and saying, "I must have hair all over me, because that movie is such a dog it sheds." Kirk Cameron can NOT act.) Aside from the fact this author doesn't know what he's talking about, I'll bet the idea is a real winner.

8. And my favorite: "The proposal you are about to read is GUARANTEED to sell a billion copies..." No kidding. A billion copies. I'm about to wet my pants in excitement. (Yawn...)

Always nice to occasionally share stuff from the Dark Files...  My thanks to Shannon Potelicki, who is doing some work for us now, and who helped pull together some of these weiners -- I mean, "winners." 

 

Comments

[Eva Marie Everson]

Hello to Shannon!!!

...but I really appreciate Kurt, Chip. Maybe it's you who can't act. :)

These were great. Have you thought about a career in stand up comedy ... or, perhaps, clown school?

Eva!

[Debbie Lynne Costello]

I'm still standing here, well sitting here in awe. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY READ THROUGH THOSE QUERIES! Oh wait that was all caps. Sorry! Seriously, I can't believe you did and do. And I think you did tell us that in a different life you was a comedian. Anyway, amusing post. Enjoy having you back. I love a good giggle to get my morning going. ;O)

[Richard Mabry]

Chip, When you get to my query regarding my novel about the Amish lawyer who courts a vampire doctor, you may want to just delete that email.
Thanks for providing a laugh this morning.

[Linore Rose Burkard]

Hey, Chip. You're bad. You're really bad. LOVE it. Great to laugh so hard in the morning. I'm delighted to have your blog posts back. Thank you!

[Karen Robbins]

Thanks. Shared a laugh with my husband over the first one.

[Heather Marsten]

Thank you for the laugh this morning. Also, thanks for the blog before this that gives a greater understanding of what is meant by platform. I will keep writing and building a platform. Hoping your New Year is blessed.

[Jerry Eckert]

I am now SO bummed. Several of my very best billion seller ideas quashed in one go. I guess I need an agent who dropped out of high school at about the 10th grade level with a 1500 word vocabulary, half of which is truncated for ease of use while texting.

[cynthia hickey]

Thanks for the laugh. Love your sense of humor!

[Peter DeHaan]

You've had quite a week!

[Raj Paulus]

Hilarious! Laughed, cried, ate some more chocolate. Sheesh. Like Wow! You really have your work cut out for you! And the next time someone asks you if you're an agent, I think you should go with: "I used to be a Secret Agent. But now the secret's out. So now I'm an Agent with the secret. To success that is! And I'll share it with you if you could just give me something good to eat. I mean read!" :)

[Sally Jadlow]

Hope you have a better week next week!

[April]

And that wasn't "Left Behind," that was "Home Aone."

Oh, irony. :) "Home Alone" (missing the L).

I loved this list though. The first one especially cracked me up! I used to be an editorial assistant and had to go through the slush pile. Some real gems in there, I tell ya.

[Stevie Rey]

Voluntary Castration! Where's that line so I can be on the other side of the world! :-) Have a great week ole pal!

Stevie

[Matt]

I'm not sure I understand. A billion copies isn't enough?

Great stuff! Thanks for sharing!