Tim wrote to ask, "So what's the worst stuff you've been sent this past week?"
1. A guy sent me a proposal this week detailing how we can reduce the instances of sexual abuse and the problems caused by adultery in our culture. His solution? Voluntary castration. No, I'm not kidding. Huge appeal in THAT idea. Though I suppose it would, um, trim the problem. (Sorry.) A very circumspect idea, don't you think?
2. A woman sent me a very brief query to tell me she has written a 20,000-word memoir (that alone gets me all excited -- just think of all those popular 80-page books you've been buying) about "the times I brought drugs to school." Very uplifting.
3. One poet (YES! A POET!) sent me a book of "poems about anti-terrorism." Really. And it's only 607 pages long. REALLY.
7. One more, taken from a novel pitch: "In the tradition of the movie Left Behind with McCauley Caulkin where a boy is left to fend for himself..." Um... It's "Culkin." And that wasn't "Left Behind," that was "Home Aone." And that was a movie that was intentionally funny, whereas the "Left Behind" movie was just stupendously bad, and therefore funny. (I was working at the agency that represented it, and we got an advanced showing. I still remember standing up, turning to one of my co-workers, and saying, "I must have hair all over me, because that movie is such a dog it sheds." Kirk Cameron can NOT act.) Aside from the fact this author doesn't know what he's talking about, I'll bet the idea is a real winner.
8. And my favorite: "The proposal you are about to read is GUARANTEED to sell a billion copies..." No kidding. A billion copies. I'm about to wet my pants in excitement. (Yawn...)
Always nice to occasionally share stuff from the Dark Files... My thanks to Shannon Potelicki, who is doing some work for us now, and who helped pull together some of these weiners -- I mean, "winners."
Hello to Shannon!!!
...but I really appreciate Kurt, Chip. Maybe it's you who can't act. :)
These were great. Have you thought about a career in stand up comedy ... or, perhaps, clown school?
Eva!
Posted by: Eva Marie Everson | January 06, 2012 at 05:50 AM
I'm still standing here, well sitting here in awe. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY READ THROUGH THOSE QUERIES! Oh wait that was all caps. Sorry! Seriously, I can't believe you did and do. And I think you did tell us that in a different life you was a comedian. Anyway, amusing post. Enjoy having you back. I love a good giggle to get my morning going. ;O)
Posted by: Debbie Lynne Costello | January 06, 2012 at 06:07 AM
Chip, When you get to my query regarding my novel about the Amish lawyer who courts a vampire doctor, you may want to just delete that email.
Thanks for providing a laugh this morning.
Posted by: Richard Mabry | January 06, 2012 at 06:11 AM
Hey, Chip. You're bad. You're really bad. LOVE it. Great to laugh so hard in the morning. I'm delighted to have your blog posts back. Thank you!
Posted by: Linore Rose Burkard | January 06, 2012 at 06:30 AM
Thanks. Shared a laugh with my husband over the first one.
Posted by: Karen Robbins | January 06, 2012 at 07:14 AM
Thank you for the laugh this morning. Also, thanks for the blog before this that gives a greater understanding of what is meant by platform. I will keep writing and building a platform. Hoping your New Year is blessed.
Posted by: Heather Marsten | January 06, 2012 at 07:58 AM
I am now SO bummed. Several of my very best billion seller ideas quashed in one go. I guess I need an agent who dropped out of high school at about the 10th grade level with a 1500 word vocabulary, half of which is truncated for ease of use while texting.
Posted by: Jerry Eckert | January 06, 2012 at 08:20 AM
Thanks for the laugh. Love your sense of humor!
Posted by: cynthia hickey | January 06, 2012 at 02:33 PM
You've had quite a week!
Posted by: Peter DeHaan | January 06, 2012 at 03:35 PM
Hilarious! Laughed, cried, ate some more chocolate. Sheesh. Like Wow! You really have your work cut out for you! And the next time someone asks you if you're an agent, I think you should go with: "I used to be a Secret Agent. But now the secret's out. So now I'm an Agent with the secret. To success that is! And I'll share it with you if you could just give me something good to eat. I mean read!" :)
Posted by: Raj Paulus | January 06, 2012 at 05:09 PM
Hope you have a better week next week!
Posted by: Sally Jadlow | January 06, 2012 at 08:31 PM
And that wasn't "Left Behind," that was "Home Aone."
Oh, irony. :) "Home Alone" (missing the L).
I loved this list though. The first one especially cracked me up! I used to be an editorial assistant and had to go through the slush pile. Some real gems in there, I tell ya.
Posted by: April | January 07, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Voluntary Castration! Where's that line so I can be on the other side of the world! :-) Have a great week ole pal!
Stevie
Posted by: Stevie Rey | January 09, 2012 at 03:58 AM
I'm not sure I understand. A billion copies isn't enough?
Great stuff! Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Matt | January 09, 2012 at 01:35 PM